Thursday, November 29, 2007

Not much to say, but when has that ever stopped me??

Don't answer that.

I am sort of suspended in this non-feeling place right now...
a holding pattern of sorts.
It's ok, I guess.
Better than agony, right?

I know what I haven't told y'all!
I have a friend staying with me!
I couldn't say anything at first cuz she was kind of hiding out,
but the proverbial dust has proverbially settled and it is ok for me to talk.
It's been fun to have some company, but it has been hard to have less alone time.
I'm sure I'll be drowning in alone time before long, so I should just try to appreciate it, right?
There's a long story associated with it, but I guess none of it matters anymore.
All I know is that there has been enough vicarious drama in my life lately that I am plum wore out.

I think I am struggling to find out who I am just a little bit more than I realized.
Who do I want to be, from here on out?
Now is the time for change, if ever there was one.
The ground is shifting under my feet, my mind is soggy and foggy and groggy.
I feel like I'm lost in a fog, reaching for words and instead grasping emotions or memories, but they're so intangible, and it gets harder to breathe, and harder to see and--
You get the idea.

I'm good, though.
I can't wait for my next date.
Will it be with B?
Or someone else entirely?
Yes, I still totally dig B, and plan to keep seeing him whenever time permits, but.
Oh, the big "but"!
Such a complex "but" it is...
Well, maybe it's pretty simple, actually:
his life is too busy right now and I need more attention.
I mean, hell, that was part of the issue with my marriage so anything that even resembles that pattern freaks me out right now.
He's NOTHING like the Soon-To-Be, though.
Me, I'm happy with the way life is flowing right now, so don't worry about my love life.
I am loving my life, and my life is loving me...

In the meantime, we've gotten REAL snow since last week, and my Mom has kindly offered me ski lessons for christ-mist!
No smashing into trees for me!!
Well, a lowered risk of it, at least.

I ran the divorce papers by a well-recommended attorney today.
That was interesting.
More news on that later...

Happy weekend to you--

Sunday, November 25, 2007


Yes, my mountain is finally open!

I was what you'd call "giddy".
I jumped up and down and squealed as I got ready to go,
and bounced around in my seat all the way there.
When I got up to the highest resort in Big Cottonwood Canyon,
the sun was shining and the parking lot was only lightly filled.
I was buzzing still.
I got all my equipment on and I headed up to the lift...
And up I went.
And then.
There were only two lifts open, cuz there's really not much snow, but they both had green runs.
On this lift there was not a green run OPEN.
Green is for beginners, by the way.
the initial slope was very
Extremely intimidtating to someone who hasn't skiied much,
nor skiied at all for a few years.
I desperately needed a bunny hill to get my sea legs back, ya know?
Instead of despairing or hitching a ride back down on the chair lift (I don't know if that's even possible, but I thought of it!),
I took off my skiis and hiked down, past the steepy steep part.
Then a ski patrol guy asked if I was ok and I said, "Yeah. Just scared."
He told me that the trail evened out after that, so I would be ok.
Also, it's a really short run, since there's no real snow yet.
So, I got back into my skiis and I inched my way down the frigging mountain.
One run.
I drove over 2 hours roundtrip for one run.
But at least my thighs got a great workout from holding my skiis parallel to the mountain for so long...
It was fun...
I just need to take a lesson, or a FRIEND next time.
I was high as a kite as I headed home.
I did it!
I made it all on my own.
I am woman. you hear me roaring? :)

Stay tuned for more adventures in skiing soon--

SKI DAY!!!!!!!

I'm headed up there right this second.
I am also jumping up and down and squealing like a little girl...


Saturday, November 24, 2007

I blame the full moon

...and isn't that convenient?

A good bye of sorts,
and a long time coming. pun intended.
A very happy time, even as it ends something that was started so long ago.
Even though we've both changed since then.
He got sexier.
What was once the fine physique of careless youth has been chiseled into the hardness of a man with drive, focus and determination.
Those chocolate eyes sparkle still, but the smile is truer.

The sun is rising and I am ready for more adventure.
Could be the full moon's hand reaching up my skirt,
could be the fact that I'm on day 4 of my 5 days of Kidlessness.
Either way, I'm chomping at the bit.
I should throw on some gym clothes and go work out.
Or I could go back to bed...
not really sure how much sleep I got.

I threw on my fake Uggs and a huge cardigan over my little dress to drive him home and he said, "I like your boots." (say it with a Russian accent)
First I made him some tea and we talked about the creation of the universe and the way that the extinction of the dinosaurs allowed for humans to evolve...
He loves it when I show off my brain power.
He's still young enough that he is amazed every time I demonstrate that an attractive woman CAN use her brain for more than just fashion choices and celebrity gossip.

There is homework to be done
and housework to be done
and an impromptu roadtrip to recruit participants for!
I think I'll just go back to bed instead.

Ooh, but speaking of roadtrips: my friend Dave said he would escort me into Mexico if I come to San Diego (or Whale's Vagina for you German folk!)!!!!
He is fluent in spanish and is, like, a GUY and stuff, so I would feel safer.
Will keep you posted.

On a side note, I think my Ex To Be is annoyed at me.
For one of two reasons:
a.) he can't get laid until our divorce goes through
(to hell with scruples, bring me more COCK!!!)
2- he knows that if I have a lawyer look over the papers I'll get more of "his" money.
...cuz those are his two favorite things: sex and money.
I'm really not sure which one's more important to him, but they both have a way of tweaking his chi.
And NOT in a good way.
I would say he is a smug, unhappy little man, but that whole six-foot-three-200-lbs thing makes it sound a little forced.
But David Spade still makes me giggle...

Good lord in heaven, I love my life!!!
Yes, even on the days when the Sad leaks out of me like a dripping faucet over the edge of a plugged sink...

Last night I went for a beer before dinner with Becky and there was a tall guy with a long dark ponytail playing
(bestill my heart!)
He was very friendly and encouraged me to try questing on my own...
It would never work--he's Horde and I'm Alliance, sworn enemies.
But still...
It was cool.
Also, I couldn't tell if the woman sitting with him was his mom or his wife/girlfriend/wife's girlfriend/mom's wife's girlfriend...
you get the idea.

Ok, ok.
time for bed.
Happy Saturday, dears!

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

This day is as beautiful and cold as a Russian mailorder bride--

I'll be getting lots of weird traffic for that!

Yes, the sadness passed, just like I knew it would.
I went out with Becky last night and we had a fine time.
I feel like I will have a steadily better and better time as the days pass, but I'm not sure why.
Like this week is going to be accelerating...
I do feel like something romantically stimulating is just around the corner, though.
Maybe that's just wishful thinking.
I met my twin last night.
He already has a twin, and they're Geminis, like me,
we have the same hair.
He's prettier than me, but has done way more drugs.
What is it with beautiful men having drugs in their past??
Oh well.
I don't know if I mentioned this or not, but I have grown very comfortable with the idea of staying single-ish for a good long time.
..."good long time" equals a year or two, fyi.
I mean, B. was truly a gift sent from the angels of mercy to soothe my weary little soul, and he remains a positive in my life, but I need to stretch my wings a bit.
He's adorable...
but it's too soon for a new commitment.
yes, I know you all knew that already.
I am in dire need of some homework time and I will continue to pray for snow so that I might be able to start skiing soon...

I'm feeling very fuzzy-brained and rambly so I'm going to stop.
Happy Thanksgiving to my Stateside friends.
Happy November to the rest o' ya.


I am Thankful for You.
I am thankful for my little boys.
And I am thankful that my marriage was finally able to be put out of its misery,
and I am thankful for the ease with which it ended.
I am thankful for my dear friends, and my dear family.
I am thankful that my kids have a father who is involved in their lives.
I am thankful for my ski pass and my pretty, new ski stuff!
I am thankful I have a car I love and feel safe in.
I am thankful I have a house of my own, fully of furniture I love.
I am thankful I have the opportunity to finish college.
and I am thankful that I have joy and peace and passion and a full spectrum of emotions in my life.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Friday, Cry Day

Yes, I know today is Monday, but
Ok, then.

the sadness leaks out of me, riding on the backs of the droplets of salty water slipping over my cheeks...

I am feeling like a piece of driftwood,
pounded by the waves,
ground into the sand,
drowning, and disoriented.

But it'll pass.
And then I'll wonder why I'm upside down on this planet,
or why the moon is backwards,
and then a mood will change and I'll be laughing and drippping wet as I emerge from what was really only a day at the water park...

It's just one of those inexplicably sad days.
Sort of like wiping the slate clean.
It is receding now, and I feel the return of my gentle joy,
a presence in the antechamber, waiting its turn to reside in me.

Nothing happened,
just thoughts.
Thoughts washing over me like those pounding waves I mentioned.
And it's all a part of the process.
Grit my teeth and get through it.

It's going to be a good week.
I already know this.

Monday, November 12, 2007

These boots aren't made for walkin'

But I wore them all over campus today anyway.
Tall, cuddly boots--
which dug into my foot just below the ankle bone and left me bloody and wincing.
Fie, I say!
Fie on those stupid boots and my lapse of good sock judgment!
Next time, socks.

My English professor said the most profound thing about love today while we were discussing one of the most famous sonnets of Shakespeare's.
He said that loving unconditionally opens you up for a lot more pain,
but it has such great rewards.
Not news, but the way he said it clicked for me and I realized I need to relax into this a little better...
Just dare to let it happen.
Trust it.
Don't rush it.
And be aware that I may end up hurt, but that it won't be worth it unless I allow myself to reach the place where pain is possible.
I married someone because I couldn't get hurt by him.
That worked out less well than I would have hoped...

I tried to find that Regina Spektor album yesterday but I haven't succeeded yet.
"suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall"
Yeah, no shit.
I love that song.

I need to slow down and just BE with myself more, too.

Today I went out to my car after my last class and discovered a completely flat tire!!
There was a huge puncture in it, and I thought at first it had been slashed,
and I called my roadside service number to get a tow truck.
After waiting for an hour I realized I had a spare...
holy fucking blonde moment.
Well, it wasn't so much that I didn't realize I had it before,
it was just more like I thought it would be simpler to get towed to the tire store because I would need FOUR NEW TIRES.
Oh, the joys of All-Wheel drive....grrrr.....
I thought it would be much worse, and said good-bye to my Pirrelis...
But $400 is still a lot to let fall out of your pocket on the way down the street.
And the tires were only 5 months old, so they had a lot of life left in them. Siiiiiiiigh.
So I ended up having the tow truck guy just change the tire instead of towing me to the closest tire shop...
so that I could then drive 50 miles on a spare, at 50 mph.
That looks like the easiest math problem I've ever seen!!!

So today I am frig
And I had a moment where I kind of recognized that I miss having a Man to call in those situations.
Someone to deal with it for me...
He was good that way.
But the best part was remembering that I am great at dealing with stuff like that myself.
...except for the part where I could have put the spare on and been on my way in much less time.
It worked out ok, but only because my dear friend was able to pick up the kiddos after school.
Otherwise I would have been screw-ed.

That reminds me...
...I might be screwed in a little while, if I'm lucky....
And I might GET lucky in a little while if I'm
Screw you.


Now I'm back.
I got SCREWED, man!
...and good.
Two weeks to the day, and I finally got to see my sweet one again.
He is so...
Sorry, please excuse my silliness...
It was so good to see him.
And talk to him and yes, be oh-so-naked with him!

Weirdly, tonight I had the SoonToBe on the phone as my tech support so I could help my babysitter get her new computer hooked up to the internet and his girlfriend offered some assitance from the passenger's seat...
I'd be curious to know if she knew who he was talking to, but it all felt very comfortable.
It tweaked me for less than a second to discover that it didn't bother me at all to hear her voice.
He and I had quite an amazing conversation on Saturday, and paired with the wrenching and ghastly experience I had with a proxy of him on Wednesday, I feel like I have let him go to a huge degree.
It's gooooood.

So is silence.
To just be with my thoughts is so great.
I need to start writing more, but I'm not rushing anything.
I said something the other night that I just HAD to write down and then I forgot what it was.
When I checked it turned out it was pretty spectacular.
In a word play sorta way.
"It truncated an elephant masturbating!"
I don't remember what the truncation comment was in reference to, but I remember saying it and then giggling and adding that last part.
And that's all that matters!!!
I also decided to start calling my PERIOD the following:
My monthly pregnancy preparedness seminar.
I read the funniest damn thing once drawing a parallel between someone who only ever has to dig one ditch in their life, but has to practice digging one every month for 4 or 5 days for 30 or 40 years! HA!
It was awesome.
Cuz, seriously--what the hell??
Why can't we just turn that whole cycle off when we're done with it??
Oh well.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

I'm feeling....

pissed at my pussy
She is so full of energy and life--
and I kind of wish she had a lot less of BOTH.
She just wants to play all the time and she is kind of stupid.
Right now?
She is trying to sit on my shoulder, but instead has landed on her back, halfway down mine.

I am...fuzzy around the edges.
A little dizzy.
That was a good dinner party.
The former lover looked good, made a move on me while we were smoking in that small room, and I almost considered it.
As if.

I have had some excruciatingly intense lessons this week, and I feel like a different person.
The bottom line is that I need to stop fighting this precious gift the universe has given me in B...I need to stop being so afraid of taking this gift.
I realized that along with all the incredible lessons this week, I have been pushing the universe's buttons, to try to see if I really get to be with B.
Looks like I can't shake him.

Also, there may have been one of the most beautiful men I've ever met at this party tonight.
Skin like liquid night.
Sparkles in his ears matching the sparkles in his eyes.
Crisp white shirt.
That man was made for...someone else, apparently, cuz I've been given my orders.
Fortunately I like my orders just fine for now.

I swear to little baby jesus's diaper rash that if I don't get to see him tomorrow I will cry so hard you'll all need a mop.
I just need a hug and a smile.
I'll be ok with life if I can just get that.
I am ready to learn more from him.

I really need to go to bed.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

My world spins from top to bottom instead of from east to west

or is it west to east?
Or does it really matter, since one flows into the other???
You get the idea.
I'm pretty much living in a topsy turvy world at the mo, but I like it.

I picked up my skiis today and that was a thrill;
one that would have reverberated a bit more if had more than 3 hours of sleep.
Don't ask.
I'm not telling.
I feel yucky and tired and sort of pissed off at the world, but I bet a good meal and a looooong rest will cure that.

The kids are awesome and I am feeling pretty great about the way we are handling this whole thing (ME and them--not so much that paternal unit, but whatever).

This is from our hike to the hot springs on Sunday.
It was a gorgeous day and a glorious adventure!
We had the best time.

On Saturday I will hike there again.
This time with my B and his son.
I am so looking forward to being with him.
Just to hug him and see his smile will do wonders for my achy soul.

I was thinking about going to Mexico over the Thanksgiving break,
but I'm not sure it's the best idea.
I need to slow down and just breathe for a while.
Besides, I can ski every day if I stay.
I love adventure, but I have to be so sensible.

I hope you're all happy and well...
The comments you all left on that last post are tucked away in my heart, warming me.
Thank you so much...

Monday, November 5, 2007

I don't know

I just don't know.
I sigh a lot
and cry a lot.
But in between I laugh a lot and give a lot.
So I guess I'll probably make it.

Just printed out the divorce papers.
Need to have someone look them over.
Then we can file and wait for a court date.

All I can think about is how he isn't sad at all.
and how much he hates me.
and how I let him down.
My whole pupose in that marriage was to give him the stability and happiness that he never had before.
And look what I did.
Fucked that all up, didn't I?
And really all I was doing was keeping us both from being happy.

I hate him so much.
I hate him for not missing me.
I hate him for staying married to me for so much longer than I wanted.
I hate him for all the ways he continues to try to hurt me.

I am so grateful that we are getting divorced.

But right now...
I feel like a huge, rotten failure.
And I feel so lonely I could cry.
If I wasn't already crying.
He hasn't had to be lonely.
Because he has someone.
You know the irony of this?
It's easy for men to find commitment and it's easy for women to get laid,
but rarely is the opposite true.
So here I am, wishing for someone to love me and finding...
it much easier to just get laid.
Which is not really what I want today.
Today I want dear B to be a bad father and sneak away for a couple of hours to lay with me and smile--
I miss that smile.
I just can't believe I turned down a 23 year old hottie for someone who won't return my calls.
I know his son is more important I just want to not be forgotten.
Truthfully, I'd be happy with a 5 minute phone call--ecstatic, even!
Today marks one week since I saw him last and I haven't heard a peep from him.

Why do I think I can do this without fucking up?
What the hell makes me think I can be all calm and cool and in control
and be the
divorcee in the history of the modern world who is serene and 100% healthy within mere weeks of the move out???
I guess I should just relax and go with it.
So far I've been pretty close to serene and I'd put my emotional health around a solid 90%, which frankly beats many people so whatever, right??

I think I'm just afraid that my calmness was a defense mechanism and I'm beginning to crack.
Or that I've been shock and it's wearing off.
I'm sick of acknowledging the fact that I've wanted out for years, and that I wouldn't take him back if he begged (which he's clearly not doing).
I get it: this is The Rightest of Right Decisions.
But also?
I'm sad.
And I miss him holding me close at night and I miss him making fun of me for spilling food every damn time I eat, and I miss him boring the shit out of me with his work stories and I miss watching sci-fi with him and I miss cooking his favorite foods for him and I miss that feeling of knowing I'm not alone in this world.

I'm so fucking scared that I'll end up wasting my nest egg and still not finishing school. I'm scared I'll end up marrying the wrong guy again--or marrying the right guy and giving him my soul only to be royally fucked over in a grand and obscene gesture from the universe.

I am scared that I'll let it all fall apart and I'll be a cowering mass of tears and blubber on the floor of my house as he comes to take the children away from me forever.
Or what if he keeps fucking with their heads?
He told them everything...I don't remember if I mentioned that here.
He told them everything.
At least he included the part about spying on my emails, if only as a justification, but THEY recognized that as a very bad thing.
And they'll recognize him as the evil motherfucking shitbreath that he is if he keeps this up.
He has never shown interest in them before, so they're a little bit loyal to me.
Just a tad.
I will not stoop to his level.
I wish he would read a book on how to deal with divorce with kids.
He's going against everything that is common knowledge.
and I hate him for it.
So much for putting the kids first.
He's putting his dick first.

I bought pumpkins but I couldn't bring myself to carve them.
I'm sure i'll get over it, but every time I thought about tackling it, I saw that bitch in my house, with my kids and my husband giggling and enjoying a special holiday tradition with them.
It fucking boils my blood.
Don't bother to say it: I will get used to it.
It is just so raw.
I get voicemail delivered to my email from the old home phone, and today I heard a message from one of my friends.
The wife in a couple we were friends with.
And she was calling him about some event and she said, "If you guys don't have your own ticket they won't let you in..."
And it just stung.
...she fully accepts them as a couple.
And I knew this because they've all hung out together a few times.
Meanwhile she's not returning my calls.
I guess I know whose side she's taking!
And let me tell you: that hurts like a motherfucker.
She was there last winter listening to me as I went through all this, supporting me.
She helped out with my kids on moving day.
She said "Let's do lunch soon. call me!"
And I did.
And nothing.
Called again.
Still nothing.

I guess that's to be expected, but this particular friend was not expected to be the one to choose HIM.
At least his family still loves me.

I deserve this.
I deserve all of it.
Because I didn't leave him at the altar like I wanted to, like I knew I should.
And then I didn't leave him when I began to realize that we were not at all compatible.
And then I didn't leave him when I wanted out so badly that I did the unforgivable.
So yes, I deserve this.
But that doesn't make it hurt any less.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Oh, what a night!

So much good about it.
I had my kids sleep over at their friend's house and I went out with some friends...
It's been a tough week.
I don't plan on going out much on the weekends I have my kids, just for the record, but I am struggling at the moment and it sounded like heaven to go play pool and listen to a band and have a Corona.
Or two; literally.
I am such a non-drinking drinker.
So we walked into the place and the second of many people to greet my friend was introduced to me as my boy's best friend.
And he said, "Oh! You're Lisa! I'm so excited to meet you!"
....just about melted my heart into vapor, I tell ya!
Cuz that sweet boy is tied up with important family stuff and I know I won't see him much for a few weeks and I'm ok with that--it means he has the right priorities--BUT.
It was such a warm ray of sunshine to spend the evening with his best friend.
Only there was a glitch, but it turned into a beautiful test of my adoration and commitment to this sweet man...
The best friend had a workmate with him.
A 23 year old, fucking adorable, deep conversation haver.
He was cool and cute and
wanted me
And, frankly, I refused him a hug on the grounds that I was attracted to him and that might push me past my limit of restraint.
I enjoyed his company immensely, but all I could think of was my adored one.
And that we may not be uber-committed yet but there is no way in this spinning world that I would want anyone but him right now.

It was cool to be tempted and be able to resist...
I think I doubt myself a little after the sordid events of last year.
I know I was so grossly unfulfilled that I sought out inappropriate connections, and then cheated, etc.
I also know that I'm not a cheater.
I enjoy attention from men, but it was so gratifying to learn that I am not so dependent upon it that I would make selfish choices.


But when I got in my car as we parted ways with this kid knowing I chose my B
I let out a squeal.
It felt so good to know I still belong to him.
And his friend will report back that a guy tried his best to go home with me and I couldn't stop talking about B.
Which is just a nice bonus, ya know?
I would have made the same exact choices without his presence, but it's cool to have a witness.

I have downloaded a bunch of Liz Phair and some Alicia Keyes and some Sinead O'Connor and I am in friggin GIRL POWER bliss!!!

Also, I am madly in love with Becky's new boyfriend.
I said to her tonight, "Let's marry him."
Cuz what I mean is, she better stick with him because he's as good as my own favorite super hero, Mighty Man.
Yes, that is my highest compliment.
He exudes loving, giving, kindness.
and not just for her--he started both of our cars while we hit the bathroom one last time on our way out of the bar.
It's a freeeezing cold night, one of the first so it's shocking for it's newness not for its coldness, and does anyone feel a hint of the bored housewife here tonight?
Sometimes I feel like myself again on this page and it's exciting.
Almost as exciting as the check for $113.62 I got from Google yesterday.
I do not regret my Ad Sense now, no siree!

I guess I better go to bed.
And the best part is, it's NOT almost 3am right now.
It's daylight savings time, baby!!
That thrills me to the core.
Like an apple on a roller coaster.

I am not even remotely buzzed right now and I can still say:
I love you guys!!!!
Like the sun set reflecting off my snow-capped mountains...
Like the red sand between my toes, or the ocean lapping at my ankles, or the turkey dinner I'll cook for Thanksgiving, or the lobster dinner I'll cook for Alternative Thanksgiving...

I am so lucky, so blessed, so loved.
Thank you for being here.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Good mornin'

The cure for divorce related melancholy seems to be equal parts amazing women and fabulous men.
That came out wrong.
I have finished this day on a much different high note than I would have anticipated was necessary for the shifting of my moods, but I feel grand!
Lovely conversations with dear girlfriends always help,
and then I tumbled into a mellow, comfortable evening with 3 guys who adore me, so that never hurts.
There was the gay one who's a great kisser and shares my EXACT taste in men,
the cute one who actually voiced tonight the "I can't believe you're divorcing and I have a GIRLFRIEND" irony we were both feeling,
and the rugged one who can lift me in his arms, in any fashion, with EASE, ease I tell ya!
All of whom tell me repeatedly how fantastic I am.
All of whom touched my breasts at least twice.
a girl needs
after a week of fretting over the impending family visit in her new boyfriend's life, necessitating much less freedom in the dating department.
And the visions I had today of ripping my husband's flesh off his bones with my bare hands.
(The gay one said my hands are strong enough for that after I massaged his back)
And after feeling chunks of my own heart gouged out by his recent actions and words and ferchrissakes the replacement girl!
But I am light and happy and will take my boys to the red rocks tomorrow and we will celebrate life!
I hope I can pull it off...
One of my grandest dreams has been to take my little guys on more random, unplanned roadtrips.
Let's just see!

Happy weekend, y'all.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Who knew?

That flipping on the CD player in my friend's car this morning,
with frost clinging to the world around me,
would flip on the grief I'm swimming through right now?
It's heavy over me, as though I were covered with frost...each crystal of which is a pound of lead...

It's good for me.
I'll be fine.