Monday, November 5, 2007

I don't know

I just don't know.
I sigh a lot
and cry a lot.
But in between I laugh a lot and give a lot.
So I guess I'll probably make it.

Just printed out the divorce papers.
Need to have someone look them over.
Then we can file and wait for a court date.

All I can think about is how he isn't sad at all.
and how much he hates me.
and how I let him down.
My whole pupose in that marriage was to give him the stability and happiness that he never had before.
And look what I did.
Fucked that all up, didn't I?
And really all I was doing was keeping us both from being happy.

I hate him so much.
I hate him for not missing me.
I hate him for staying married to me for so much longer than I wanted.
I hate him for all the ways he continues to try to hurt me.

I am so grateful that we are getting divorced.

But right now...
I feel like a huge, rotten failure.
And I feel so lonely I could cry.
If I wasn't already crying.
He hasn't had to be lonely.
Because he has someone.
You know the irony of this?
It's easy for men to find commitment and it's easy for women to get laid,
but rarely is the opposite true.
So here I am, wishing for someone to love me and finding...
it much easier to just get laid.
Which is not really what I want today.
Today I want dear B to be a bad father and sneak away for a couple of hours to lay with me and smile--
I miss that smile.
I just can't believe I turned down a 23 year old hottie for someone who won't return my calls.
I know his son is more important I just want to not be forgotten.
Truthfully, I'd be happy with a 5 minute phone call--ecstatic, even!
Today marks one week since I saw him last and I haven't heard a peep from him.

Why do I think I can do this without fucking up?
What the hell makes me think I can be all calm and cool and in control
and be the
divorcee in the history of the modern world who is serene and 100% healthy within mere weeks of the move out???
I guess I should just relax and go with it.
So far I've been pretty close to serene and I'd put my emotional health around a solid 90%, which frankly beats many people so whatever, right??

I think I'm just afraid that my calmness was a defense mechanism and I'm beginning to crack.
Or that I've been shock and it's wearing off.
I'm sick of acknowledging the fact that I've wanted out for years, and that I wouldn't take him back if he begged (which he's clearly not doing).
I get it: this is The Rightest of Right Decisions.
But also?
I'm sad.
And I miss him holding me close at night and I miss him making fun of me for spilling food every damn time I eat, and I miss him boring the shit out of me with his work stories and I miss watching sci-fi with him and I miss cooking his favorite foods for him and I miss that feeling of knowing I'm not alone in this world.

I'm so fucking scared that I'll end up wasting my nest egg and still not finishing school. I'm scared I'll end up marrying the wrong guy again--or marrying the right guy and giving him my soul only to be royally fucked over in a grand and obscene gesture from the universe.

I am scared that I'll let it all fall apart and I'll be a cowering mass of tears and blubber on the floor of my house as he comes to take the children away from me forever.
Or what if he keeps fucking with their heads?
He told them everything...I don't remember if I mentioned that here.
He told them everything.
At least he included the part about spying on my emails, if only as a justification, but THEY recognized that as a very bad thing.
And they'll recognize him as the evil motherfucking shitbreath that he is if he keeps this up.
He has never shown interest in them before, so they're a little bit loyal to me.
Just a tad.
I will not stoop to his level.
I wish he would read a book on how to deal with divorce with kids.
He's going against everything that is common knowledge.
and I hate him for it.
So much for putting the kids first.
He's putting his dick first.

I bought pumpkins but I couldn't bring myself to carve them.
I'm sure i'll get over it, but every time I thought about tackling it, I saw that bitch in my house, with my kids and my husband giggling and enjoying a special holiday tradition with them.
It fucking boils my blood.
Don't bother to say it: I will get used to it.
It is just so raw.
I get voicemail delivered to my email from the old home phone, and today I heard a message from one of my friends.
The wife in a couple we were friends with.
And she was calling him about some event and she said, "If you guys don't have your own ticket they won't let you in..."
And it just stung.
...she fully accepts them as a couple.
And I knew this because they've all hung out together a few times.
Meanwhile she's not returning my calls.
I guess I know whose side she's taking!
And let me tell you: that hurts like a motherfucker.
She was there last winter listening to me as I went through all this, supporting me.
She helped out with my kids on moving day.
She said "Let's do lunch soon. call me!"
And I did.
And nothing.
Called again.
Still nothing.

I guess that's to be expected, but this particular friend was not expected to be the one to choose HIM.
At least his family still loves me.

I deserve this.
I deserve all of it.
Because I didn't leave him at the altar like I wanted to, like I knew I should.
And then I didn't leave him when I began to realize that we were not at all compatible.
And then I didn't leave him when I wanted out so badly that I did the unforgivable.
So yes, I deserve this.
But that doesn't make it hurt any less.


Bud said...

The past is over and unchangeable and regret is a losing ticket. If your present were a bit better, you wouldn't even lok there. Your present is going to be spectacular as soon as you make it so by rejecting the past. You can't change that shit. Why waste all this psychic energy on it? This is a particularly bad moment but nobody can control that but you. I know it's gonna be all right for you. Have patience. I'm here if you need me.

Orange said...

Sweetie, you can't give someone happiness. They have to build it for themselves. Not accepting your wife as she is + spying like a paranoid freak = no way to be happy. He put himself there—you didn't fail him.

And him going from insisting that he only wanted you straight to a girlfriend he introduces the kids to? Pfft. Maybe he just has no idea at all how to be on his own for a little while?

So you knew you shouldn't marry him before you even got married? See? Your instincts are sound. I bet you'll listen to your instincts more from here on out. And cook your own favorite foods!

It's kinda funny that you combine being sad and mad that he's got his girlfriend at the same time that you're missing your B! (Which is totally your prerogative. Sing the Bobby Brown song!)

sky girl said...

Oh Lisa. Your post hit me hard. I feel for you girl.

For him to try to involve the kids in unforgivable. To integrate the girlfriend is not only in bad taste but confusing for the kids. What a jerk.

Be kind to yourself Lisa. You don't "deserve" this but the only way to the other side is through it. You'll get there.

Thomas said...

I've been coming by every day waiting for the other shoe to drop.

You're going to miss him a lot, there was enough love there to really love him, have children with him and try to make things work with him. But there was enough wrong to make it not work too. He's angry, sure. He's also sad too, of that I'm certain. He might express it in anger, he may hide it like you've been doing.

In time it will hurt less. It will flare up from time to time, even after you find yourself in a relationship where you're really happy. That's just the way it works. Eventually you might be able to be civil to each other.

Now is not that time. Now is the time to be mad, throw a tantrum, cry, pout and feel melancholy about the past. Denial should only flow in Egypt. Embrace, wallow and relish in the experience. Then cry a river, build a bridge and get over it. Like a broken bone, there is pain at first, but when you properly accept your limitations for a while the bone knits and can become stronger than before. Shallow comfort, I know, that it will be all better someday when you feel like shit now, but it WILL be all better.

I guess what I'm saying is that what you're feeling is normal. Ignore everyone who wants you to act perky and happy. You should know that in order to feel the pleasure, the pain must be endured, like a good spanking. :D

In the meantime, spill your guts until you feel better.

Also, understand that in your heightened emotional condition, you may perceive slighted behavior towards you and take it very personally. Please review all relevant data and talk to the offending parties before you assume they meant you disrespect.

And you are beautiful, intelligent, sexy and worthy of happiness. Hugs to you.

Tricia said...

Chances are whomever he's with now is nothing that can last very long, ya know. It's a classic rebound thing, so don't think for a second that he's already 'moved on.' He hasn't. And he is sad...he's just not letting you see it. He's probably really, really mad at you, and one way he's sticking it to you is by acting like he's not sad at all.

Concerning the boys...have you had your own conversation with them about all this? About what their dad told them? If you haven't, it's very important that you do. Give them a chance to ask questions, and then answer them honestly, but age-appropriately.

And now I hope you don't take this the wrong way, because you know I just adore the shit outta you! But yeah...maybe you do deserve this to some extent. We all fuck up, realize we fucked up, suffer the consequences, and learn our valuable lessons. But the good thing about it is it's temporary. You will not be in this emotional abyss forever, you'll reach the point where you can forgive yourself (even if he never does...but really, that doesn't matter) and when it's time to emerge, you'll be a stronger, wiser, more motivated, determined and amazing woman for it!

[That was really hard for me to say, I hope you terrifies me to be so blunt. The last thing I want is to come across as judgmental and holier-than-thou, and I certainly don't mean to minimize his responsibility in your marriage ending. But I'm a firm believer in acknowledging and taking responsibility for one's own actions. That's all.]

As for his juvenile behavior in this wake...he'll get whatever he deserves for it, too. Karma's a bitch. Use every ounce of strength you have to focus all your attention on those precious boys and their wellbeing, and try not to let yourself get bogged down by his repulsive behavior. But trust me on this one...that's so much easier said than done!

This will get better with time. You can trust me on that one, too.

You have my email address...and if you want I'll even give you my phone number. Thinking of you...

OK. I'm going to hit 'Publish' now!

Lisa said...

Naw, I love ya, Tricia. I appreciate your honesty and you delivered it gracefully. I am with ya: I fully except my responsibility here and I think everyone tries to make me feel better by reminding me that he was part of the problem and all that, but it makes me feel sluggy and dark inside to not also remember that I am an ADULTERER fer chrissakes! :) So yes, your words were good, girl, and I feel your hugs.

Oh, Thomas, you never fail to amaze. Thanks for keeping it in your pants. ;) Such kind words of wisdom...are deeply appreciated. Hugs right back to ya!

Thanks, sky is good again today. But I'm sure it'll have more cloudy days. He's a bit selfish at the moment; hopefully he'll leave the kids out of it from now on.

Sure I failed him, Orange--I was supposed to give him the happy childhood he never had! :) And yes, it definitely hurts worse to think of how easy his little relationship is when mine faltered for a moment. Incidentally, the sexy one himself called me today and all is more than well there...we have plans for the weekend. Yaaaay! Yeah, Cam definitely has no idea how to be on his own--that was the whole reason he didn't leave me sooner! (post cheating).

I don't have regrets, Bud. I'm just processing this. Cuz in order to be Healthy, a person must also fully experience the natural emotions as they occur. I don't feel like I am wallowing at all--I've been separated for 5 (or 6?) weeks now and have only had a few bad days in there. I am lucky enough to process things fairly quickly and smoothly, but I still have days where it hits me.

Today is a good day. And not JUST because the infamous B has resurfaced with apologies for not returning my calls--he truly has been swamped with family gatherings in honor of his son's visit and he does miss me and we made plans for hiking with his son on Saturday and I told him that all I need is for him to give me a little splash of attention every few days and I'll be fine. He chuckled. I also said if he wants me to go away he'll have to spell it out because I'm not easily deterred and he said he would never just stop calling. Phew. Cuz some guys would. Ya never know. And that's why I was panicking--thinking he was going to fade away under the cover of his son's visit. I'm such a silly thing sometimes!

Zuska said...

Lisa - Advice from one who's been there:

1. Slow down with B. Find your way to be comfortable - find your independent parenting style - find out what you need before you FIND it.

2. Lose any expectation that you can control what your ex does - what he says to the boys, how he handles the situation. Just be their rock. Hold to the standards which you believe are right and true.

Everyone, eventually - will see a spade as a spade. The boys, the friends who "chose his side" - every one.

You need time, and so do they.

Do we deserve these things? I don't think so. I don't think we deserve the hurt any more than the people who we gave our hearts to, and who trampled on them.

What is fidelity? Is it treating your partner like shit, but reserving your body for them regardless?

I don't think so. (i.e., BULLSHIT!)

You don't deserve it.

But that doesn't mean you don't have to deal with it.

And because of the kids, you have to deal with it at a higher level than you would be able to if you were an independent soul.

E-mail me some time, if you want to process it all a bit more ...

Lisa said...

Oh, zuska dear, that was like a mug of hot chai on a rainy afternoon! Thank you. And it's true...I am trying to fall into love again way too quickly and what I really want is that time and space in which to truly settle again on ME. To let traces of Him wash out of me, to define my Self again. Thanks for saying these good, good things.

Ian said...

Lisa, I hope you don't mind my $.02 since I am not at all experienced in these things and in fact am just now emerging from a two day bender (or "time travel" as I prefer to call it). Anyway, my observation is spot on and obvious to anyone who has paid attention to you for even the shortest period of time; you are a bright, articulate, attractive woman who has an ability to touch and affect people in remarkable ways. I hope you don't continue to be so hard on yourself. You are as deserving of love and happiness as anyone and I doubt you have seen the last of either. I hope you smiled today.

d-man said...

Feeling better?

leen said...

i read this post the day you posted it. visitors have prevented me from having time to comment though i've written a response in my heart to you already. seems zuska said what i was feeling in the meantime.

it is hard.
it will continue to be hard.
it will also be fabulous and spectacular.
and just keep loving those sweet babies and focusing on them. they will see thru the BS though it may take longer than you expect.


Irrelephant said...

I feel like I came in after the crying and the screaming is over and it's down to picking up the pieces of broken dishes now.

You got some good advice up there, Lisa--don't be afraid to use it. Slow is the word, post-divorce. If you haven't noticed (tongue in cheek) you're a little raw right now. This is to be expected. Take deep breaths, long walks, read good books. Center. Be Lisa, and be Mom, and that's it. Take some more deep breaths. Do new things. Hell, go trainspotting, it's wonderous good therapy for me. *wink* And take some deep breaths.

I was told that one year after the divorce is final is the minimum time to wait to start dating again. I think that's a good start.