Sunday, December 23, 2007

Happy Holidays, honeys!

just a quick note to say:
anyone who's stopping in, I hope you're having a joy-filled and love-filled holiday season, and let's all be thankful for the goodness that we have...

I've been testing the waters over at the BHW, cuz that place just feels more like home sometimes.
So, if you're interested, there are a few new posts over there.
(hyperlink added after Bud's comment alerted me that I hadn't!)

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Gently falling snow

Today is a lovely, warmly snowing day.
My dear B. is enjoying his first day of snowboarding and if I close my eyes I can feel the wind rushing past him, and see his grin--it's the easiest way to imagine him since he is such a smiler...
Insert dopey, smiling Siiiigh......

I am falling, but not as gently as the snow.
I am falling haltingly, giddily.
Lurching forward, I fall into this great, gaping crevice in the mountain...

What a week, what a month--
what a bloody YEAR!
I am going to celebrate the end of this year with the fire of new life burning through each cell of my body.
Time to start again, and ready or not, new year,

Life is good.
I have reached a new level of comfort with this life of mine.

Wow...the snow is falling in giant clumps, so soft and light.
It's going to pile up fast...
tomorrow will be some fucking awesome skiing!
...for people who know HOW to ski.
I will plan on taking a lesson as soon as I get there.
(And remind me to check to see when my Linguistics final is due...)

Life is one big ball of chaos, here, but it's a shiny, pretty one.
D. is moving away today,
Je. is moving away tomorrow...
Ja. is coming tomorrow to visit for the week, and then it's almost Christmas
and then it's New Year's Eve...
And 2008 will be here and we get to have a new President!

Wine and deep thoughts,
karaoke and deep laughs.
Dancing and pool--
the guy who used only one hand, because his skill is so refined that it isn't fair otherwise.
There was the karaoke dude,
with news of his far away friend.
There was my date, and his passion...
And there was the moment He told me that he wants me in his life always.
And on the way home he dozed a little and slid his hand down my pants and the music was soft and soothing and then we got to my bed and he awoke with a vengeance--
hours and hours of vengeance, in fact.
At one point I smiled into his glowing face and said, "No one else on the whole planet had sex this good tonight. There's no way."

You could say the divorce really agrees with me.
Also, my kitten is sitting on my desk looking out the window watching the snow...
it's so cute!

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Winter Wonderland, and no Alice in sight

Well, maybe one, but definitely no Chesire cats.

it snowed all day and the kids were drowning in snow and hot chocolate and I was snuggly and warm inside and lookin' so damn cute in my boots and tightblackwool sweater...
And then there was the guy with the Scottish accent and the guy with no teeth who kept attempting to play cupid for me (when really it's just not needed) and there was the artist.
His ragged and raw soul was stuffed clumsily into the shell of him,
tired eyes and gently absent smile.
The bronze sculpture of the woman holding John the Baptist's head nearly brought me to tears.
It was...worth its thousand words, and then some.
Her cheek bones and her eyes told a thousand page tale, between them.
And then he said, "I'll draw someone, who wants to be drawn?"
He wanted to draw me; I saw his eyes dart to me so slightly as others said they would love to be drawn.
"I will," I said.
And he came alive just a little and he went to get his sketchpad.
And I couldn't sit still, but finally I did, and he took the lines from across my face--the ones that tell the story of who I am--and he laid them across that paper with such grace and generosity!
The girl on that page is so lovely.
I thought of You while I sat staring at a spot on the wall, just behind the slowly filling ashtray.
So that You are there with me, and maybe that's why he didn't draw my eyes--
he wanted them downcast, because there is no artist alive who could capture the light of You in my eyes...

Such beauty, such talent.
It has inspired me to scramble once again toward my destiny.
oh bloody fucking
do I insist on forgetting that life is not static, that MY life is not static??
Ever-changing, dynamic, ephemeral--

I am sooo sleepy....
I showered the smoke off and now my deliciously cozy bed is waiting for me, so off I go.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Goooood night.

Got a text from the ex-MIL tonight; they've finally set the headstone!
It's his 33rd birthday tomorrow, and I am so excited to go see the stone!
It will feel so much more like his presence.

This B. fellow is seriously cool.
He took me to his friend's house tonight to meet the snakes.
This guy breeds exotic constrictor type snakes--boas and pythons.
His willowy wife plays the harp and he knows everything about the hundreds of snakes...
there were bright green ones and yellow-and-purple ones.
There were two 19-footers (that's like 6 meters, yo!)
And a bunch of other giant ones, and a whole room full of babies.
It was intense.

I grew up afraid of snakes.
When I was 15 or so there was a woman at the Boston Museum of Science, which we were visiting, who had a boa constrictor for people to touch, etc.
I shook with fear, but I watched from afar and I calmed myself down and I went and touched it.
That was the moment I realized big snakes were far less shudder-inducing than little ones.
And that tame ones were better than almost-stepped-on-that-horrible-thing ones.
Then when I was 21 there was Yanni, and Lu.
Their names were both really Jon, but they were crazy-sexy boys and they could name themselves so they did.
Anyway, I knew Yanni from BYU and it was always trippy to see him all long-haired and drunk, but I digress.
He owned a couple of pythons and had a rattle snake in a box in his closet...EEEK.
And he had this little baby snake once when we were there and he said, "Watch this-"
And proceeded to put the thing into his mouth.
We squealed (becky and I) and then he spit it out
it had POOOPED in there!!!!
...yes, there went any chance he ever had of scoring with me!
Sorry, can't kiss ya, snake-poo mouth!
Which reminds me!
Two of the snakes tonight were mating!
Snake fuckin'.
It was hawt.
(it actually was really cool...their tales were all intertwined and the snake breeder told me they have TWO penises!)

He did say that the snow making season is almost over, 3 or 4 more weeks.
And then he'll be doing other stuff, on a more normal schedule.
So, hooray for possibly getting to see more of each other!

I am definitely ready for bed.
Well fed, well fucked, and well...just plain sleepy.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Not much to say, but when has that ever stopped me??

Don't answer that.

I am sort of suspended in this non-feeling place right now...
a holding pattern of sorts.
It's ok, I guess.
Better than agony, right?

I know what I haven't told y'all!
I have a friend staying with me!
I couldn't say anything at first cuz she was kind of hiding out,
but the proverbial dust has proverbially settled and it is ok for me to talk.
It's been fun to have some company, but it has been hard to have less alone time.
I'm sure I'll be drowning in alone time before long, so I should just try to appreciate it, right?
There's a long story associated with it, but I guess none of it matters anymore.
All I know is that there has been enough vicarious drama in my life lately that I am plum wore out.

I think I am struggling to find out who I am just a little bit more than I realized.
Who do I want to be, from here on out?
Now is the time for change, if ever there was one.
The ground is shifting under my feet, my mind is soggy and foggy and groggy.
I feel like I'm lost in a fog, reaching for words and instead grasping emotions or memories, but they're so intangible, and it gets harder to breathe, and harder to see and--
You get the idea.

I'm good, though.
I can't wait for my next date.
Will it be with B?
Or someone else entirely?
Yes, I still totally dig B, and plan to keep seeing him whenever time permits, but.
Oh, the big "but"!
Such a complex "but" it is...
Well, maybe it's pretty simple, actually:
his life is too busy right now and I need more attention.
I mean, hell, that was part of the issue with my marriage so anything that even resembles that pattern freaks me out right now.
He's NOTHING like the Soon-To-Be, though.
Me, I'm happy with the way life is flowing right now, so don't worry about my love life.
I am loving my life, and my life is loving me...

In the meantime, we've gotten REAL snow since last week, and my Mom has kindly offered me ski lessons for christ-mist!
No smashing into trees for me!!
Well, a lowered risk of it, at least.

I ran the divorce papers by a well-recommended attorney today.
That was interesting.
More news on that later...

Happy weekend to you--

Sunday, November 25, 2007


Yes, my mountain is finally open!

I was what you'd call "giddy".
I jumped up and down and squealed as I got ready to go,
and bounced around in my seat all the way there.
When I got up to the highest resort in Big Cottonwood Canyon,
the sun was shining and the parking lot was only lightly filled.
I was buzzing still.
I got all my equipment on and I headed up to the lift...
And up I went.
And then.
There were only two lifts open, cuz there's really not much snow, but they both had green runs.
On this lift there was not a green run OPEN.
Green is for beginners, by the way.
the initial slope was very
Extremely intimidtating to someone who hasn't skiied much,
nor skiied at all for a few years.
I desperately needed a bunny hill to get my sea legs back, ya know?
Instead of despairing or hitching a ride back down on the chair lift (I don't know if that's even possible, but I thought of it!),
I took off my skiis and hiked down, past the steepy steep part.
Then a ski patrol guy asked if I was ok and I said, "Yeah. Just scared."
He told me that the trail evened out after that, so I would be ok.
Also, it's a really short run, since there's no real snow yet.
So, I got back into my skiis and I inched my way down the frigging mountain.
One run.
I drove over 2 hours roundtrip for one run.
But at least my thighs got a great workout from holding my skiis parallel to the mountain for so long...
It was fun...
I just need to take a lesson, or a FRIEND next time.
I was high as a kite as I headed home.
I did it!
I made it all on my own.
I am woman. you hear me roaring? :)

Stay tuned for more adventures in skiing soon--

SKI DAY!!!!!!!

I'm headed up there right this second.
I am also jumping up and down and squealing like a little girl...


Saturday, November 24, 2007

I blame the full moon

...and isn't that convenient?

A good bye of sorts,
and a long time coming. pun intended.
A very happy time, even as it ends something that was started so long ago.
Even though we've both changed since then.
He got sexier.
What was once the fine physique of careless youth has been chiseled into the hardness of a man with drive, focus and determination.
Those chocolate eyes sparkle still, but the smile is truer.

The sun is rising and I am ready for more adventure.
Could be the full moon's hand reaching up my skirt,
could be the fact that I'm on day 4 of my 5 days of Kidlessness.
Either way, I'm chomping at the bit.
I should throw on some gym clothes and go work out.
Or I could go back to bed...
not really sure how much sleep I got.

I threw on my fake Uggs and a huge cardigan over my little dress to drive him home and he said, "I like your boots." (say it with a Russian accent)
First I made him some tea and we talked about the creation of the universe and the way that the extinction of the dinosaurs allowed for humans to evolve...
He loves it when I show off my brain power.
He's still young enough that he is amazed every time I demonstrate that an attractive woman CAN use her brain for more than just fashion choices and celebrity gossip.

There is homework to be done
and housework to be done
and an impromptu roadtrip to recruit participants for!
I think I'll just go back to bed instead.

Ooh, but speaking of roadtrips: my friend Dave said he would escort me into Mexico if I come to San Diego (or Whale's Vagina for you German folk!)!!!!
He is fluent in spanish and is, like, a GUY and stuff, so I would feel safer.
Will keep you posted.

On a side note, I think my Ex To Be is annoyed at me.
For one of two reasons:
a.) he can't get laid until our divorce goes through
(to hell with scruples, bring me more COCK!!!)
2- he knows that if I have a lawyer look over the papers I'll get more of "his" money.
...cuz those are his two favorite things: sex and money.
I'm really not sure which one's more important to him, but they both have a way of tweaking his chi.
And NOT in a good way.
I would say he is a smug, unhappy little man, but that whole six-foot-three-200-lbs thing makes it sound a little forced.
But David Spade still makes me giggle...

Good lord in heaven, I love my life!!!
Yes, even on the days when the Sad leaks out of me like a dripping faucet over the edge of a plugged sink...

Last night I went for a beer before dinner with Becky and there was a tall guy with a long dark ponytail playing
(bestill my heart!)
He was very friendly and encouraged me to try questing on my own...
It would never work--he's Horde and I'm Alliance, sworn enemies.
But still...
It was cool.
Also, I couldn't tell if the woman sitting with him was his mom or his wife/girlfriend/wife's girlfriend/mom's wife's girlfriend...
you get the idea.

Ok, ok.
time for bed.
Happy Saturday, dears!

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

This day is as beautiful and cold as a Russian mailorder bride--

I'll be getting lots of weird traffic for that!

Yes, the sadness passed, just like I knew it would.
I went out with Becky last night and we had a fine time.
I feel like I will have a steadily better and better time as the days pass, but I'm not sure why.
Like this week is going to be accelerating...
I do feel like something romantically stimulating is just around the corner, though.
Maybe that's just wishful thinking.
I met my twin last night.
He already has a twin, and they're Geminis, like me,
we have the same hair.
He's prettier than me, but has done way more drugs.
What is it with beautiful men having drugs in their past??
Oh well.
I don't know if I mentioned this or not, but I have grown very comfortable with the idea of staying single-ish for a good long time.
..."good long time" equals a year or two, fyi.
I mean, B. was truly a gift sent from the angels of mercy to soothe my weary little soul, and he remains a positive in my life, but I need to stretch my wings a bit.
He's adorable...
but it's too soon for a new commitment.
yes, I know you all knew that already.
I am in dire need of some homework time and I will continue to pray for snow so that I might be able to start skiing soon...

I'm feeling very fuzzy-brained and rambly so I'm going to stop.
Happy Thanksgiving to my Stateside friends.
Happy November to the rest o' ya.


I am Thankful for You.
I am thankful for my little boys.
And I am thankful that my marriage was finally able to be put out of its misery,
and I am thankful for the ease with which it ended.
I am thankful for my dear friends, and my dear family.
I am thankful that my kids have a father who is involved in their lives.
I am thankful for my ski pass and my pretty, new ski stuff!
I am thankful I have a car I love and feel safe in.
I am thankful I have a house of my own, fully of furniture I love.
I am thankful I have the opportunity to finish college.
and I am thankful that I have joy and peace and passion and a full spectrum of emotions in my life.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Friday, Cry Day

Yes, I know today is Monday, but
Ok, then.

the sadness leaks out of me, riding on the backs of the droplets of salty water slipping over my cheeks...

I am feeling like a piece of driftwood,
pounded by the waves,
ground into the sand,
drowning, and disoriented.

But it'll pass.
And then I'll wonder why I'm upside down on this planet,
or why the moon is backwards,
and then a mood will change and I'll be laughing and drippping wet as I emerge from what was really only a day at the water park...

It's just one of those inexplicably sad days.
Sort of like wiping the slate clean.
It is receding now, and I feel the return of my gentle joy,
a presence in the antechamber, waiting its turn to reside in me.

Nothing happened,
just thoughts.
Thoughts washing over me like those pounding waves I mentioned.
And it's all a part of the process.
Grit my teeth and get through it.

It's going to be a good week.
I already know this.

Monday, November 12, 2007

These boots aren't made for walkin'

But I wore them all over campus today anyway.
Tall, cuddly boots--
which dug into my foot just below the ankle bone and left me bloody and wincing.
Fie, I say!
Fie on those stupid boots and my lapse of good sock judgment!
Next time, socks.

My English professor said the most profound thing about love today while we were discussing one of the most famous sonnets of Shakespeare's.
He said that loving unconditionally opens you up for a lot more pain,
but it has such great rewards.
Not news, but the way he said it clicked for me and I realized I need to relax into this a little better...
Just dare to let it happen.
Trust it.
Don't rush it.
And be aware that I may end up hurt, but that it won't be worth it unless I allow myself to reach the place where pain is possible.
I married someone because I couldn't get hurt by him.
That worked out less well than I would have hoped...

I tried to find that Regina Spektor album yesterday but I haven't succeeded yet.
"suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall"
Yeah, no shit.
I love that song.

I need to slow down and just BE with myself more, too.

Today I went out to my car after my last class and discovered a completely flat tire!!
There was a huge puncture in it, and I thought at first it had been slashed,
and I called my roadside service number to get a tow truck.
After waiting for an hour I realized I had a spare...
holy fucking blonde moment.
Well, it wasn't so much that I didn't realize I had it before,
it was just more like I thought it would be simpler to get towed to the tire store because I would need FOUR NEW TIRES.
Oh, the joys of All-Wheel drive....grrrr.....
I thought it would be much worse, and said good-bye to my Pirrelis...
But $400 is still a lot to let fall out of your pocket on the way down the street.
And the tires were only 5 months old, so they had a lot of life left in them. Siiiiiiiigh.
So I ended up having the tow truck guy just change the tire instead of towing me to the closest tire shop...
so that I could then drive 50 miles on a spare, at 50 mph.
That looks like the easiest math problem I've ever seen!!!

So today I am frig
And I had a moment where I kind of recognized that I miss having a Man to call in those situations.
Someone to deal with it for me...
He was good that way.
But the best part was remembering that I am great at dealing with stuff like that myself.
...except for the part where I could have put the spare on and been on my way in much less time.
It worked out ok, but only because my dear friend was able to pick up the kiddos after school.
Otherwise I would have been screw-ed.

That reminds me...
...I might be screwed in a little while, if I'm lucky....
And I might GET lucky in a little while if I'm
Screw you.


Now I'm back.
I got SCREWED, man!
...and good.
Two weeks to the day, and I finally got to see my sweet one again.
He is so...
Sorry, please excuse my silliness...
It was so good to see him.
And talk to him and yes, be oh-so-naked with him!

Weirdly, tonight I had the SoonToBe on the phone as my tech support so I could help my babysitter get her new computer hooked up to the internet and his girlfriend offered some assitance from the passenger's seat...
I'd be curious to know if she knew who he was talking to, but it all felt very comfortable.
It tweaked me for less than a second to discover that it didn't bother me at all to hear her voice.
He and I had quite an amazing conversation on Saturday, and paired with the wrenching and ghastly experience I had with a proxy of him on Wednesday, I feel like I have let him go to a huge degree.
It's gooooood.

So is silence.
To just be with my thoughts is so great.
I need to start writing more, but I'm not rushing anything.
I said something the other night that I just HAD to write down and then I forgot what it was.
When I checked it turned out it was pretty spectacular.
In a word play sorta way.
"It truncated an elephant masturbating!"
I don't remember what the truncation comment was in reference to, but I remember saying it and then giggling and adding that last part.
And that's all that matters!!!
I also decided to start calling my PERIOD the following:
My monthly pregnancy preparedness seminar.
I read the funniest damn thing once drawing a parallel between someone who only ever has to dig one ditch in their life, but has to practice digging one every month for 4 or 5 days for 30 or 40 years! HA!
It was awesome.
Cuz, seriously--what the hell??
Why can't we just turn that whole cycle off when we're done with it??
Oh well.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

I'm feeling....

pissed at my pussy
She is so full of energy and life--
and I kind of wish she had a lot less of BOTH.
She just wants to play all the time and she is kind of stupid.
Right now?
She is trying to sit on my shoulder, but instead has landed on her back, halfway down mine.

I am...fuzzy around the edges.
A little dizzy.
That was a good dinner party.
The former lover looked good, made a move on me while we were smoking in that small room, and I almost considered it.
As if.

I have had some excruciatingly intense lessons this week, and I feel like a different person.
The bottom line is that I need to stop fighting this precious gift the universe has given me in B...I need to stop being so afraid of taking this gift.
I realized that along with all the incredible lessons this week, I have been pushing the universe's buttons, to try to see if I really get to be with B.
Looks like I can't shake him.

Also, there may have been one of the most beautiful men I've ever met at this party tonight.
Skin like liquid night.
Sparkles in his ears matching the sparkles in his eyes.
Crisp white shirt.
That man was made for...someone else, apparently, cuz I've been given my orders.
Fortunately I like my orders just fine for now.

I swear to little baby jesus's diaper rash that if I don't get to see him tomorrow I will cry so hard you'll all need a mop.
I just need a hug and a smile.
I'll be ok with life if I can just get that.
I am ready to learn more from him.

I really need to go to bed.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

My world spins from top to bottom instead of from east to west

or is it west to east?
Or does it really matter, since one flows into the other???
You get the idea.
I'm pretty much living in a topsy turvy world at the mo, but I like it.

I picked up my skiis today and that was a thrill;
one that would have reverberated a bit more if had more than 3 hours of sleep.
Don't ask.
I'm not telling.
I feel yucky and tired and sort of pissed off at the world, but I bet a good meal and a looooong rest will cure that.

The kids are awesome and I am feeling pretty great about the way we are handling this whole thing (ME and them--not so much that paternal unit, but whatever).

This is from our hike to the hot springs on Sunday.
It was a gorgeous day and a glorious adventure!
We had the best time.

On Saturday I will hike there again.
This time with my B and his son.
I am so looking forward to being with him.
Just to hug him and see his smile will do wonders for my achy soul.

I was thinking about going to Mexico over the Thanksgiving break,
but I'm not sure it's the best idea.
I need to slow down and just breathe for a while.
Besides, I can ski every day if I stay.
I love adventure, but I have to be so sensible.

I hope you're all happy and well...
The comments you all left on that last post are tucked away in my heart, warming me.
Thank you so much...

Monday, November 5, 2007

I don't know

I just don't know.
I sigh a lot
and cry a lot.
But in between I laugh a lot and give a lot.
So I guess I'll probably make it.

Just printed out the divorce papers.
Need to have someone look them over.
Then we can file and wait for a court date.

All I can think about is how he isn't sad at all.
and how much he hates me.
and how I let him down.
My whole pupose in that marriage was to give him the stability and happiness that he never had before.
And look what I did.
Fucked that all up, didn't I?
And really all I was doing was keeping us both from being happy.

I hate him so much.
I hate him for not missing me.
I hate him for staying married to me for so much longer than I wanted.
I hate him for all the ways he continues to try to hurt me.

I am so grateful that we are getting divorced.

But right now...
I feel like a huge, rotten failure.
And I feel so lonely I could cry.
If I wasn't already crying.
He hasn't had to be lonely.
Because he has someone.
You know the irony of this?
It's easy for men to find commitment and it's easy for women to get laid,
but rarely is the opposite true.
So here I am, wishing for someone to love me and finding...
it much easier to just get laid.
Which is not really what I want today.
Today I want dear B to be a bad father and sneak away for a couple of hours to lay with me and smile--
I miss that smile.
I just can't believe I turned down a 23 year old hottie for someone who won't return my calls.
I know his son is more important I just want to not be forgotten.
Truthfully, I'd be happy with a 5 minute phone call--ecstatic, even!
Today marks one week since I saw him last and I haven't heard a peep from him.

Why do I think I can do this without fucking up?
What the hell makes me think I can be all calm and cool and in control
and be the
divorcee in the history of the modern world who is serene and 100% healthy within mere weeks of the move out???
I guess I should just relax and go with it.
So far I've been pretty close to serene and I'd put my emotional health around a solid 90%, which frankly beats many people so whatever, right??

I think I'm just afraid that my calmness was a defense mechanism and I'm beginning to crack.
Or that I've been shock and it's wearing off.
I'm sick of acknowledging the fact that I've wanted out for years, and that I wouldn't take him back if he begged (which he's clearly not doing).
I get it: this is The Rightest of Right Decisions.
But also?
I'm sad.
And I miss him holding me close at night and I miss him making fun of me for spilling food every damn time I eat, and I miss him boring the shit out of me with his work stories and I miss watching sci-fi with him and I miss cooking his favorite foods for him and I miss that feeling of knowing I'm not alone in this world.

I'm so fucking scared that I'll end up wasting my nest egg and still not finishing school. I'm scared I'll end up marrying the wrong guy again--or marrying the right guy and giving him my soul only to be royally fucked over in a grand and obscene gesture from the universe.

I am scared that I'll let it all fall apart and I'll be a cowering mass of tears and blubber on the floor of my house as he comes to take the children away from me forever.
Or what if he keeps fucking with their heads?
He told them everything...I don't remember if I mentioned that here.
He told them everything.
At least he included the part about spying on my emails, if only as a justification, but THEY recognized that as a very bad thing.
And they'll recognize him as the evil motherfucking shitbreath that he is if he keeps this up.
He has never shown interest in them before, so they're a little bit loyal to me.
Just a tad.
I will not stoop to his level.
I wish he would read a book on how to deal with divorce with kids.
He's going against everything that is common knowledge.
and I hate him for it.
So much for putting the kids first.
He's putting his dick first.

I bought pumpkins but I couldn't bring myself to carve them.
I'm sure i'll get over it, but every time I thought about tackling it, I saw that bitch in my house, with my kids and my husband giggling and enjoying a special holiday tradition with them.
It fucking boils my blood.
Don't bother to say it: I will get used to it.
It is just so raw.
I get voicemail delivered to my email from the old home phone, and today I heard a message from one of my friends.
The wife in a couple we were friends with.
And she was calling him about some event and she said, "If you guys don't have your own ticket they won't let you in..."
And it just stung.
...she fully accepts them as a couple.
And I knew this because they've all hung out together a few times.
Meanwhile she's not returning my calls.
I guess I know whose side she's taking!
And let me tell you: that hurts like a motherfucker.
She was there last winter listening to me as I went through all this, supporting me.
She helped out with my kids on moving day.
She said "Let's do lunch soon. call me!"
And I did.
And nothing.
Called again.
Still nothing.

I guess that's to be expected, but this particular friend was not expected to be the one to choose HIM.
At least his family still loves me.

I deserve this.
I deserve all of it.
Because I didn't leave him at the altar like I wanted to, like I knew I should.
And then I didn't leave him when I began to realize that we were not at all compatible.
And then I didn't leave him when I wanted out so badly that I did the unforgivable.
So yes, I deserve this.
But that doesn't make it hurt any less.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Oh, what a night!

So much good about it.
I had my kids sleep over at their friend's house and I went out with some friends...
It's been a tough week.
I don't plan on going out much on the weekends I have my kids, just for the record, but I am struggling at the moment and it sounded like heaven to go play pool and listen to a band and have a Corona.
Or two; literally.
I am such a non-drinking drinker.
So we walked into the place and the second of many people to greet my friend was introduced to me as my boy's best friend.
And he said, "Oh! You're Lisa! I'm so excited to meet you!"
....just about melted my heart into vapor, I tell ya!
Cuz that sweet boy is tied up with important family stuff and I know I won't see him much for a few weeks and I'm ok with that--it means he has the right priorities--BUT.
It was such a warm ray of sunshine to spend the evening with his best friend.
Only there was a glitch, but it turned into a beautiful test of my adoration and commitment to this sweet man...
The best friend had a workmate with him.
A 23 year old, fucking adorable, deep conversation haver.
He was cool and cute and
wanted me
And, frankly, I refused him a hug on the grounds that I was attracted to him and that might push me past my limit of restraint.
I enjoyed his company immensely, but all I could think of was my adored one.
And that we may not be uber-committed yet but there is no way in this spinning world that I would want anyone but him right now.

It was cool to be tempted and be able to resist...
I think I doubt myself a little after the sordid events of last year.
I know I was so grossly unfulfilled that I sought out inappropriate connections, and then cheated, etc.
I also know that I'm not a cheater.
I enjoy attention from men, but it was so gratifying to learn that I am not so dependent upon it that I would make selfish choices.


But when I got in my car as we parted ways with this kid knowing I chose my B
I let out a squeal.
It felt so good to know I still belong to him.
And his friend will report back that a guy tried his best to go home with me and I couldn't stop talking about B.
Which is just a nice bonus, ya know?
I would have made the same exact choices without his presence, but it's cool to have a witness.

I have downloaded a bunch of Liz Phair and some Alicia Keyes and some Sinead O'Connor and I am in friggin GIRL POWER bliss!!!

Also, I am madly in love with Becky's new boyfriend.
I said to her tonight, "Let's marry him."
Cuz what I mean is, she better stick with him because he's as good as my own favorite super hero, Mighty Man.
Yes, that is my highest compliment.
He exudes loving, giving, kindness.
and not just for her--he started both of our cars while we hit the bathroom one last time on our way out of the bar.
It's a freeeezing cold night, one of the first so it's shocking for it's newness not for its coldness, and does anyone feel a hint of the bored housewife here tonight?
Sometimes I feel like myself again on this page and it's exciting.
Almost as exciting as the check for $113.62 I got from Google yesterday.
I do not regret my Ad Sense now, no siree!

I guess I better go to bed.
And the best part is, it's NOT almost 3am right now.
It's daylight savings time, baby!!
That thrills me to the core.
Like an apple on a roller coaster.

I am not even remotely buzzed right now and I can still say:
I love you guys!!!!
Like the sun set reflecting off my snow-capped mountains...
Like the red sand between my toes, or the ocean lapping at my ankles, or the turkey dinner I'll cook for Thanksgiving, or the lobster dinner I'll cook for Alternative Thanksgiving...

I am so lucky, so blessed, so loved.
Thank you for being here.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Good mornin'

The cure for divorce related melancholy seems to be equal parts amazing women and fabulous men.
That came out wrong.
I have finished this day on a much different high note than I would have anticipated was necessary for the shifting of my moods, but I feel grand!
Lovely conversations with dear girlfriends always help,
and then I tumbled into a mellow, comfortable evening with 3 guys who adore me, so that never hurts.
There was the gay one who's a great kisser and shares my EXACT taste in men,
the cute one who actually voiced tonight the "I can't believe you're divorcing and I have a GIRLFRIEND" irony we were both feeling,
and the rugged one who can lift me in his arms, in any fashion, with EASE, ease I tell ya!
All of whom tell me repeatedly how fantastic I am.
All of whom touched my breasts at least twice.
a girl needs
after a week of fretting over the impending family visit in her new boyfriend's life, necessitating much less freedom in the dating department.
And the visions I had today of ripping my husband's flesh off his bones with my bare hands.
(The gay one said my hands are strong enough for that after I massaged his back)
And after feeling chunks of my own heart gouged out by his recent actions and words and ferchrissakes the replacement girl!
But I am light and happy and will take my boys to the red rocks tomorrow and we will celebrate life!
I hope I can pull it off...
One of my grandest dreams has been to take my little guys on more random, unplanned roadtrips.
Let's just see!

Happy weekend, y'all.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Who knew?

That flipping on the CD player in my friend's car this morning,
with frost clinging to the world around me,
would flip on the grief I'm swimming through right now?
It's heavy over me, as though I were covered with frost...each crystal of which is a pound of lead...

It's good for me.
I'll be fine.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Skippin' School....

I have tons of homework and a couple of tests to study for and I figured that a better use of my time--better than 2 hours in the car and 2 out of 3 classes staring into space--would be to stay home and FOCUS.
So, that's what I'm doing.
By blogging...
No...I just needed to post cuz I haven't posted for a few days.
And I promise that I'll focus on school as soon as I finish this.
I swear it.
It shall be done!

Ok, anyway...

So much to catch up on!
I got a badly-needed haircut yesterday and my blonde-but-thick eyebrows got their sorry selves waxed to hell, so I feel much lovelier than I did just 24 hours ago.

The SoonToBe is still trying to play games with me on occasion, but I've figured out how to outsmart him.

Today is Halloween and the boys are all dressed up and excited for the day's festivities, of which there are MANY.
Parade at 2:00 at their school (another reason for my school skippage; I would have had to leave early if I wanted to make it to the parade anyway...)
Party at 4:00 at dear Janet's house--complete with bobbing for apples, other games and non-candy treat bags!
What a doll! My hat is off to her for her bravery in hosting 25 kids...eek!
And then when we finish up there we're going to Hogi Yogi, where my old babysitter works (can't believe she's almost 18!) because they are having a big party with games and activities for the kids.
And then to bed with them!
Watching a scary movie with my heartthrob, my secret crush, my booty call--
Sweet and handsome B.
Dear B who took out my trash the other night after I fed him a late dinner of coconut chicken curry.
Took out the trash.
My jaw gapes at the sexiness of that!
Yes, guys, it's the little things.
And I for one appreciate every Thing from little to big.
So then we popped in The Shining and Shar had to run to the store and we were lying there watching it and I was trying to concentrate on Jack Nicholson in all his charming normalcy, but the beginning of that movie is far less compelling than the middle and the end especially when you've seen it before and he was TOUCHING ME so it's not like it was my fault and then I let out a low growl and I pounced on that poor boy and fucked him silly.
I think I am capable of things I never dreamed of because finally...
finally I am experiencing a level of mutual attraction I've never encountered in the flesh.
(Well, except for that first love of mine, but that was too chaste to count.)
He asked me if I would ever remarry and I said hell yes.
he seemed surprised and asked for further explanation.
I explained that I just feel ready for it, and that while I am in no rush I know I make a great wife and I love being with someone for the long term.
I said I learned a ton about how to make a marriage work because we weren't a good match but we ended up having a good marriage for most of the time anyway because we both were so willing to make it work.
I said I learned a lot about myself and what is most important to me in a spouse.
I gave him back his own question and he said that when he first got divorced he planned on never marrying again--
bought his sister a Cuckoo clock for her wedding!
He had a lot of bitterness because he said he had planned to stay married forever and she just hadn't had the same commitment--to her it had been like dating, with the breaking up and making up.
Poor sweet kid...
And he said that yes, he would get married if he found the right girl and I said exactly, because isn't that what it's all about?
Why get married if it isn't to someone you just want to spend the rest of your life with, period??
It was a cool conversation.
And did I mention the explosive sex??
...just checking.

So where are we...?
Um, on Monday I stopped by the aforementioned old babysitter's house to see if she was around.
She and her little brother (who is now almost 16 and very tall!) were there and SOOO happy to see us!
She loved my kids so much.
She babysat them on a fairly regular basis from the time they were a year old up until we moved, so for about 3 years.
She is a sweet, sweet girl.
I said, "I bet you're too old to babysit, huh?" But she said no way--she would love to watch the boys for me!
So hallelujah and hooray!
Her brother would do it, too, if she's ever not free when I need someone!
So that's pretty awesome.
I hated having no options, since I may or may not be DATING THE CUTEST BOY IN THE WESTERN HEMISPHERE RIGHT NOW!
And he likes to fly by the seat of his pants as much as I do, but when you have kids to arrange for, pant seats end up rather stationary.
She also has her own car and offered to pick them up from school anytime because she picks up her brother every day at about that time.
Which is fuggin sweeeet-ass because I am NOTORIOUS for running late!
And did I mention she's just plain adorable and I am so happy to be in touch with her again???
She has grown up A LOT since she was 15.
She's doing a CNA program concurrently with her high school and even plans to go to college for further nursing training!
I am SO PROUD. 15 her plans were to get pregnant and get married--in no particular order--as soon as possible.


Kid funny of the day:
Oliver was playing a game on his computer, on the internet, this morning before school, as they both always do.
From the playroom I hear, "Hey! I'm too busy to go back to school!"
And I could hear in his voice the wonder that the advertisement had been aimed DIRECTLY AT HIM!
...uh...sorry honey, that's for grownups who are too busy for college...get yer ass out here and get dressed!
I was dying.

So yesterday I was driving from my haircut (with my darling Slade, who does WONDERS with hair, I tell ya!) to drop off some leftover curry to Becks, who couldn't make it the night before.
I was keeping my eye on the storefronts whipping past me on State St.
I was looking for a pawn shop, hoping to find some skiis.
I didn't ever see a pawn shop, but I saw Parks Sports...
And their sign said they had K2 skiis starting at $99.
So I thought, what the hell, I'll check it out.
As it turned out, with bindings and boots those $99 skiis were over $400, but lucky for me they had a package deal for $399...bait and switch, much??
I have looked at ski prices enough lately to know that it was still a great deal so I did it.
The guy got me fitted for boots and poles and measured me for skiis and they are there having the bindings put on RIGHT NOW.
I am....ecstatic!
They are beautiful and I can't FUCKING WAIT FOR IT TO SNOW!!!!!!
If I don't go on a roadtrip for Thanksgiving, I will be at Brighton for the entire week.
Too bad I don't live in Salt Lake anymore...
Oh well.
My freeeeeeedom is worth the extra 30 minutes to get to the slopes, baby!!!
I am so friggin excited I can hardly stand it.
Now I just have to get some ski pants, a parka, gloves, and goggles...
This is why I've never gotten into skiing before!
I better check out my supplies at the SoonToBe's house.
That is, IF his girlfriend can handle not showing up unexpectedly again.
I stopped by there on Monday to grab something the kids had left there over the weekend and we had arranged for me to also collect x-mas decorations and snowpants, etc.
Just as I walk through the door he says she's on her way.
So decide to pee first, grab the kids' gameboy and peel.
No sooner did my lily white cheeks hit the seat than the GARAGE DOOR OPENED.
What the fuck?
So I scrambled back into a fully dressed status and bolted.
"Is that HER??"
He affirmed.
I continued with my bolt.
Fuck, dudes.
I had NO desire to just run into the bitch, ya know???
I'm sure I'll stumble across her eventually, but I was just not prepared.
My hands were shaking, my heart racing.
God, I was pissed.
(and full of piss, since I was robbed of my moment with my porcelain god!)
How could he do that???
He apologized the next day, but whatever.
I don't really care; it was just a deer-in-the-headlights moment and I mostly felt like he did it on purpose, not to MENTION the fact that SHE PARKS IN MY GARAGE???
Ok, so it's not mine anymore, but fuck...
That's just weird.
And he claims they're not sleeping together???
That means they're at least trying to hide her car so that if I was a lame-ass stalker (which I'm not) then I wouldn't know if/when she was there.
I can guarantee it.
Either that or she's already living there, but frankly I just don't care anymore.
All that drama almost ruined the beautiful moment we shared on the phone just before I arrived.
He thanked me for making him a better man, etc.
It was so validating to hear that!!!
Because it's true...we both made each other better and I was feeling really shafted by some of his comments and his behavior--feeling like none of that even mattered to him anymore, ya know?
And I know there is unpleasantness in divorce but when you feel like the blood sweat and tears that you gave to make someone's life better--which was common knowledge, I'm not just tooting my own horn--means nothing to that was awful.
So anyway.
The divorce train chugs along.

Well, apparently this once-or-twice-a-week blogger is very long-winded when she does blog!!!
And now that I've spent an HOUR emptying my head of all my silly stories, I think I will get ON that homework!!!
Thanks for listening, my dears!


Sunday, October 28, 2007

Euphoria emanating from the very core of my soul--

That man.
Oh, oh, that man!
Tonight I wore the corset and the heels and a velvet cape and my long black hair was straightened and sometimes I even had the teeth in and
this dear man of mine (mine? how is that possible?) was smiling the whole night away,
was luxuriating in my presence as I was in his.
Everyone in that bar wanted to be us.
The love flowing between us was thick and full.
And tonight it was his turn to talk, finally.
Teen years spent on the beaches of Cali, surfing and smoking pot and sitting around bonfires and then the turns he took, the conscious choices to take new paths!
And he has found a balance, he believes, between the wild and unfettered life of his nature and the structure and restraint necessary to be a part of society.

He spoke my own thoughts out loud and all I could do was smile gently and say, "I know...I know..."

And then he told me that the message I left for him today made him sad,
because he could hear the anxiety in my voice.
And I knew he meant that he missed hearing my usual happiness and I smiled and said, "I know."
And then we went inside and he looked very serious--no, distraught, angsty.
And he said, "I hated that conversation."
For a moment I thought he had switched into an alternate personality because the full length of the conversation we had been having all night was one of the most beautiful segments of communication ever to pass through human lips.
But then he said, "I can't believe I tried to tell you what to do! I tried to tell you what kind of a message you could leave me?" He was incredulous at himself.
"No," I said, taking his face in my hands, "No. You didn't tell me that at all. You told me that you missed hearing ME in that message. I wasn't being Me. So it was a good conversation to have. It told me that you like who I am, and do not need me to ever feel anxious about calling you."
His relief was visible.

And it is important to note that he spent several lovely, long minutes detailing why connecting through our minds was so much more fulfilling than only connecting through sex.
With which I heartily agree.
That said...
we fucked HARD on the counter, and finished up on my living room floor.
And I must say that it feels like he is the missing part of my body when we're twined together like that...

And through all of this passion and all of this connecting-of-the-souls, I still know that he will only be in my life for a brief time.
but I also know that he will give me more in this time than I have ever dreamed possible and that I will come out the other side a changed person.

I may or may not be minorly high.
I am kinda hungry, kinda sleepy, and just wanting my bed. bed has clean sheets and a new blanket!
I have yummy food in my fridge.
I will catch you muthafuckas on the flip side.
Happy halloween!

p.s. the camera washed me out--I look like I have no makeup on, but I do, I do!!!

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Fraud, fraud everywhere!

Only this time, they didn't steal my credit card identity
they stole my VISUAL identity!
Someone is posting pictures of me on flikr!!!
Some awesome readers sent me an alert and I checked it out, and sure enough, there I am!
...the upside is that there are 40-something very complimentary comments between the two pictures of me.
(a third is used as this imposter's profile picture)

I guess I should just be glad they're not nudes, right?
When the considerate readers sent the email, I clicked on the link fearing the worst.
I mean...
I am going through a divorce right now--he could have taken all the un-cropped versions of nude pictures of me and posted them! know, the ones with the double chin or the weird look on your face...
and, yes, I would be more disturbed by my nudity appearing without my permission than of the "bad" shots being shown, but still.
Both ideas are disturbing.

It is almost my Free Weekend!
And I am ecstatic.
I saw my therapist last night and he was great as always.
I should be hearing from my dear boy tonight so we can finalize weekend plans...
I am almost caught up on homework again, but I just can't believe how busy I have been since the move.
I know it will calm down a little as we get settled, but I don't really mind being so busy.
It's just weird--I keep thinking I'll have all this free time but I don't.

Ok, that's all for now.
Maybe someday I will be an entertaining blogger again...
thanks for hanging in there.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

I used to dream about opening a Women's Shelter of some kind...

And today's flavor would be "Battered."
...and not like corn dogs, even though that's what we joked about while standing in line at the courthouse.
Also, just for clarification, "chocke" is the incorrect spelling for the synonym for strangle.
Should I explain better?
I have this friend who is dear and smart and funny and beautiful, but her spirit was broken as a very young child by a grandfather she went to for comfort.
She hasn't healed well from that, but she is still a strong, amazing woman.
One of the after effects is that she doesn't dare to love and be loved in quite the most healthy she often choses men who are mean to her or just plain unworthy of her.
The most recent was prone to violence, which she copped to inciting it at times (she does like to push buttons!).
Last night I was awakened by my phone ringing around 2:30 am and she was bawling and scared to death as she told me he had just held a gun to her head and threatened to kill her and then himself.
Before that he had choked her, and the gun left a mark on her from the force of his threat.
She had called the police and was hiding in her locked apartment--to which he has a key--while he stalked around outside, still angry.
I held on while the cops arrived and arrested his worthless ass, fear gripping me with a thousand angry hands.
Silent prayers going to my version of God (where the G stands for Galen! peace out motherfuckers)
And then she could semi-sleep because he was in jail.
But this morning she got a call.
He had made bail.
I was in my car before she finished the sentence, and my own adrenaline was pushing me toward her, calmly insisting that she get her son and get out NOW.
(Her older son was already at school, but her younger one is in afternoon kindergarten.)
I met her at her sons' school and we went to the police station to file a protective order.
That bastard is not going to hurt her again.
I refuse to let him.
Fucking dickless piece of shit.
He hates me because I've seen through him from the start...
So we added my address to the list of places that he isn't allowed.
We giggled all day and cried a little here and there, but we're better at humor...
I told her she really needed to eat and she said, "What if I don't?? Will you put a gun to my head?"
and other such comic gems...
I insisted that she come home with me so I could keep her safe, but after much discussion we found a safer solution than that.
I won't say what, but she should have her locks changed and the order served to him within the next day or two, so hopefully he'll stay away...
God, it scares me.
Guys like that don't let restraining orders stop them.
All I can think of is that Dixie Chicks song...
Goodbye Earl.
...not that I condone that sort of thing.

What's most surreal about it is that my dear friend from high school who lives in another state is in a similar relationship and she called me yesterday while I was with the friend I just told you about.
She was calling to tell me that she had begun looking into ways to leave her husband without him accusing her of kidnapping their baby.
I have insisted to her for months that when the time comes all she needs to do is call me and I'll come get her, or send her money to come to me.
Yes, I believe someone has a Savior complex...
but I just love them so much and I can't bear the thought of big fat meanie head men hurting them!!!
So it was just interesting that yesterday my local friend and I were giving the out of state friend some good advice and encouraging her to leave a bad situation and then BOOOOM, things (almost literally) exploded right here.

That fucker better leave her alone.

In cheerier news...
my dear boy called me tonight and we made plans for the weekend.
Don't tell anyone, but...
He really likes me!
...and did I mention how fucking adorable he is, inside and out?
I truly feel like I wished him into existence.
We're going to have so much fun...
We make each other laugh, and we make each other think, and we turn each other on--
does it GET any better than that???
I very smugly didn't think so.

If I get my Linguistics test finished tonight (a take-home exam) and I still have the energy, you guys may get to view a glimpse of the photos I'm going to take...
I will probably end up on the phone with girlfriends instead, but I will be doing this photo shoot soon.
I promise.
...I will not, however, promise to share ALL the photos.
Just some cropped stuff...
Picture me, grinning at you...

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Life is a dance; I think I'll lead...

It has been 26 days since I stepped out of my life and into this Brave New World.
26 days since I was sheltered and pampered and dictated to.

I have made this house my home, more than it ever was when first I lived here, 7 years ago.
It was a caterpillar, and now it's a butterfly, like me.
I have fallen in love with this house, and fallen in love in it.
Here I am...
hurtling toward divorce at the speed of light--
(or life, or love, or flight!)
And I am happier than I've been in years.
That life wasn't mine...
I didn't own it, it owned me.

I know I'm not the first person to go through divorce,
but it still feels new to me, and unique.
We are handling this very differently than most.
Whenever I catch myself wondering why I'm not grieving the loss of this union I remember two things:
1. I grieved plenty this summer
2. This is what I've wanted for YEARS
I am settling into this new world, but it's still new and being new it is scary.
There are so many possibilities and I love that feeling, but--
it can also be very overwhelming.

Can I believe my luck at having met B when I did?
I keep wondering if he's real...
So far, all signs point to yes.

My new views, my mountains--

I love the way they catch the light and reflect it.

I also love the way the setting sun casts a shadow that creeps up the mountain as the light transforms them from lumps of grey rock to kaleidescopes of Life...
Happy Monday to you all!

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Your wish is my command, dear Nancy!

I have been busy all week, with my sister visiting from the East Coast and taking midterms and stuff, so I offer my most sincere apologies.
Nancy Dancehall asked for details, and I will oblige!

I met this exquisite man on Friday and you read what happened next and on Sunday we spoke and yesterday I texted him a poem I wrote about him and that started a rather steamy all-afternoon text fest and then I may or may not have skipped my therapy appointment to go meet up with him...
At which point we may or may not have driven up the canyon and had steam-up-the-windows sex in the front seat of my car!
"May or may not"...
I told him that was the best therapy session I ever had.
It particularly cured what was ailing me at that precise moment.
...which was a marked lack of his skin on mine.
Ah, what a cure!
He is an angel.
He was sent to me from the stars, or the dark side of the moon, or from somewhere deep in my own complex imagination!
He loves Bob Dylan and Yeats and to touch me--
and kiss me and tell me I'm beautiful.
Do you know how long it's been since I was adored like this?
Far, far too long...
pathetically, achingly, wrenchingly long.
His smile makes me weak, like some stupid love song.
And our rhythms are synchronicity personified.

wow, this is fun!
It is just what I needed.
When I got home last night I texted him again and we were up very late exchanging sweet and sexy texts--he wanted to come over but we agreed that it was not very respectful of my guests to invite someone over for the very loud sex I am wont to have...and it tends to last a long time with this boy.
(He's a little older than I am, but he is such a kid it's hard not to call him a boy.)
We are dying to see each other again.
So much fun.
I'm on cloud 9.
At least!

The finger prints you left on my skin fade
as the ones you left on my soul grow deeper.
You trickle through me like rain through moss,
giving life.
You charge through me like a herd of wild horses,
filling me with need.
Softly we become one,
breathlessly we fuse together.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Divorce Drama

I wrote this post last week, but I didn't want to sully the simple beauty of my sexy posts with its utter divorce drama-ness. it is:

When I dropped the kids off for their weekend with Dad the neighbor took it upon herself to inform me of a female visitor who has been spending a lot of time at his house.
It really made my head spin for a few minutes.
It hurt.
I wasn't going to mention it to him, but as soon as I drove away from her house he called and asked what she wanted to talk to me about.
So I told him.
And I asked him if he was dating her and he said, "You could call it that."
So I called Shar and cried for a few minutes and then I called Becky and bitched for a few minutes.
And then I felt better.
And I said, "Well, there goes the guilt I was feeling for entertaining the idea of hooking back up with ole What's-his-name."
...who never arrived at the party anyway.
But this boy did.
And he makes longboards as a hobby and plays guitar and thinks I'm spectacular.
(that last one is just code for: has really great taste in women).
We'll see.
If I don't see him again I don't think I'll care, but that's easy to say when he's only been gone a few minutes and my body still aches from the primal passion with which he needed me...
Thank you, Universe!
Thank you for sending me a momentary reprieve from the sadness of divorce.
Oh, and he writes...

Before he had even arrived, I had realized that I am happy for my SoonToBe and that I hope he's having a great time with whoever the skank is.
Yes, I'm still a GIRL, why do you ask?
I just want to be clear that this connection with this man was not a revenge thing.
I guess now that we're a small, intimate group here I might as well just spill the fucking beans--
I cheated on my husband last year.
That is what got us into this mess.
That and the fact that we were never a good match.
At all.
Not to mention that I was exhausted from the effort of trying to make him accept love for 8 years,
nor the fact that he had accused me of cheating for 8 years.
I was never a girl who could cheat.
It wasn't in me.
But I guess you should never say never.
When you go without Love for so long and are told that you're a cheater...
well, whatever.
There's no excuse.
I did what I did.
And I hate having caused him so much pain.
But he now agrees that we're better off apart, and if this girl helped him to see that, then I'm extra glad he found her.
As we wrestled with this decision these past 9 months, he was never ready.
We both wanted to make it work, but we also both knew that we were never going to be ok again.

I can't believe I admited all that.
I just feel like it's important that if you're here, supporting my happiness that you understand what led me here.
I am finally free.
And maybe I can never fully express all that was wrong in my marriage and all that we both did to try to make a round peg fit into a square hole for so many years, but I do honor the fact that we both tried.
For two people who should never have made it past the 6 month mark, we really blew it out of the park.
And I truly hope that he finds a better match in this girl, and I know without a doubt that I will find a better match myself.
I also know that I am a great wife and that I'll never settle for the wrong man again, and that I'll never be such a coward as to cheat in order to end things...
I learned so much from that experience alone!
And I learned that I am as strong as I remember being.
It's hard to make this clear without being more negative about Mr. Ex than I would like to be, but I'm sure I'll go into more detail some time.
The gist of it is that he didn't come into the marriage with tools for success and he had a different list of priorities, across the board, from me.

Oh, a side note, and a very negative one at that: when he returned the kids to me on Sunday I asked them if they had fun carving pumpkins with Dad.
They said, "Yes. And his friend was there."
My stomach dropped and I said, calmly, "Oh? What was his friend's name?"
They answered with a girl's name, although, much to my delight it hadn't stuck with them--they said one of my friend's names and added, "But not that, just something like that."
I finished the conversation and quietly excused myself to go outside and call their irresponsible, selfish father.
That was the biggest fight we've had since the split and frankly, it was mostly one sided.
I let him HAVE IT.
What the hell???
It was his first weekend with his kids and he had to have her come over???
We had even agreed previously that we would NOT introduce people we were dating to our kids until things were serious, and I said, "I don't care if you think it's serious or not at this point. We have only been separated for TWO WEEKS. That is way too soon for kids."
We had it out pretty good over the next couple of conversations and I think he finally understands that it is just WRONG to do that.
"I introduced her as my friend..."
I can handle it, but the kids shouldn't have to.
Hell, he took the chick to meet his brother's family without warning them and his brother wouldn't even let her in the house!
He said, "Dude. My kids! They are still adjusting to this."
Thank god there are people in his life who aren't brain dead.
Cuz he kinda is.

In happier news, I may get to see my adorable one tonight...
and I definitely get to see him tomorrow!
I am soooooooooooo excited!!

Black and Blue and glowing all over--

*Insert mischievous grin*

He traded his Harley for flying lessons...
he has some regrets about that,
but I said, "Don't be sad, beautiful boy, you traded flying over pavement for flying over air currents!"
"I never thought of it that way," he said. And then he smiled and told me again how amazed he was to have met someone
We started in the kitchen; I know because that's where our shirts were.
We paused for a while at the couch; I know because that's where our pants were.
And then we spent HOURS and hours...mmm...
It was like someone had put a spell on us--if we were touching we had to be fucking.
I am so sore, so bruised and raw but I still couldn't stop, and neither could he.
Then we slept a while and I woke, wondering if the spell had worn off, but then he reached out, eyes closed, and with relief said, "There you are..."
And we began again...
I'm really not sure when I've had That. Much. Sex. at once.
And we were still so hungry for each other.
I made him go because I have homework and housework and shopping...
He thinks he is in love, but I just smile.

...welcome back to Vintage Bored Housewife...
Sorry for anyone who wasn't expecting such (roll it) Rrrrr rated material on a rainy Saturday morning...
But this is my life, my blog, and goddammit I'M BACK!
(for limited engagements, buy tickets now!)

Thursday, October 11, 2007

I bet you think you haven't heard from me all week because I got my tv hooked up.
But that's not the case.
My dish is functioning, but my life isn't.
Well, it's not THAT bad.
Probably more hormonal than anything, but I've had some sadness this week.
I'm exhausted.
I'm even getting tired of telling everyone how happy I am.
Because underneath all the smiles and brightly looking toward my future,
there are little splotches of grief and disbelief.
I can't bear to think about the fact that I'll never fall asleep in his arms again.
Or that I'll never have orgasms like That again.
I can't linger too long on his big empty house, with a kitchen that doesn't magically feed him all of his favorite foods anymore...
No more sitting on the back porch while he smokes.
No more trying to give him the family he never had. more feeling under appreciated, under loved and way over fucked.
And no more feeling unable to follow my heart--whether it be through creative expression or through choosing how to raise the kids.
No more choosing between his happiness or mine.
But I miss him today.
And I wonder if all my optimism is misplaced; will I really find true love?
MY version of true love, that is.
Not some lame-ass fairy tale.
Not some flash-in-the-pan.
I do still believe I will find Him.
But I'm not even ready to think about looking.
I don't want to think about dating or even having wild flings.
I want to be a nun for a while.
Or better--I want to have no temtpation, no interest.
I want to be a hermit.
I want to be alone, alone, alone.
I can't do that because then I would not be able to hold on.
I feel so dislodged.
Like a ship with no anchor.
I float out to sea, and the scenery is beautiful but the sharks circle...
Ha--good thing one of my best friends is a Sharkie...
I will be ok.

We filled out the first draft of our papers yesterday, and tomorrow the kids go for their first visitation.
I suspect I have been avoiding the issue.
Trying so hard to focus on the positive that I left the negative out on the driveway in the rain...
Guess I better spend some time mourning this.

I am so tired.
But I still have so much to do.
I hope it will get less busy soon...

Monday, October 8, 2007

I don't want to jinx myself here, but...

I should have a working satellite dish television system by prime time tonight!!
I have actually started twitching from the lack of The Office and House.
I can't even let myself THINK about how many episodes of Weeds and Californication I have missed.
Although, I did just realize that I can probably watch them all online.
And, hallelujah!
I am no TV junkie, you guys are well aware of that, but those are four pretty fucking spectacular shows and two of them had season premieres the day after my move so I'm more put off than I ought to be.
Besides, I am a little lonelier at nights than I used to be...

Now I have a hungry child, so I'll catch ya later.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Waking up early, just to lie there and think...

It's a weird phenomenon, and a little annoying.
But I keep being so exhausted that I fall asleep easily so that's cool.
It's just bizarre that at 6am sharp every morning I am suddenly and pleasantly wide awake.
I am NOT a morning person, in case you hadn't heard.
Maybe there's a loud truck leaving for work around that time or maybe the roosters penetrate my primal brain....
Yes, there are roosters!!!!
I live on the edge of civilization and there are farms near enough that I can actually hear roosters in the morning.
Fuckin rock that!

I am having this weird indecision about the blog.
Something doesn't feel quite right to me, in me.
I want to find my voice again, I feel like it's ready to be heard again,
but I am mute.
Probably to achieve true freedom in blogging I'll have to start another blog.
Not that he's reading, but this URL is known to the SoonToBe, and it's definitely harder to open up knowing that I could something that might be hurtful to him.
Which is not to say that I'm feeling negatively toward him--
not at all, in fact!
There is so much "I'm happy that you're happy" flowing between us that I bet most newlyweds would be jealous!!
Ok, bit of a stretch, but you get the idea.
I did have a dream about him last night.
We were living in my hometown, but the events were the same, and he told me I should go on a date and 30 seconds later my phone rang and it was someone named Mitch who claimed to have met me at a party and wanted to take me on a date on the second week of December.
In the dream I even took note of the date and thought, "Wow! That's far off. What the hell??"

Happiness is not the only emotion I'm experiencing, though.
I'm sad that our journey together is over.
I miss having him there to take care of me and to make all our stupid jokes with.
I mean who else can I say, "Alaska?" to and not have to explain the derivation?
("Ya know?"--> "Juneau?"--> "Alaska?"/"Anchorage?"/"Gnome?")
And I can't help but wonder if he's just pretending to be happy so that we can live with this decision, but all the evidence (including my gut feeling) refutes that.
It's just so weird to think that I'm not responsible for him anymore and vice versa.

I had some thoughts last night as I was drifting off--

I try to see myself through the lens of your memories
the blonde curls, the baby teeth
grinning sweetly from the sticky, acidic pages of that red bound album.
I am not where you hoped I would be,
but I am happy.
Your generation is not mine,
and I must stop trying to be you, because
I would not thrive in your shoes and
I do not fear being alone (yet) the way that you did...
Or was it fear of failure?
I would rather be alone than be with someone so wrong for me...
You taught me well--
most by example, only a few What Not To Dos...

Happy Saturday, kids--

Thursday, October 4, 2007

I am not much of a Man, but...

at least I try.
Tonight I mowed the lawn of this new home of mine and I was very proud of how it turned out.
I need a weed whipper, but otherwise it was easy and fun.
I'm sure I'll get sick of it sometime early next summer, but that's life.
As I was grumbling over the gas I was spilling
while filling
the mower,
Oliver said cheerfully, "I guess you shouldn't have gotten divorced, then!"
He is such a little nut.
So far so good, on that front, by the way.

The reason I say I'm not much of a man is that I really don't have the man's innate sense of the right way to fix things around the house or do things like mow a lawn.
But I'm really excited at this new opportunity I have to learn them!!
I just hope I will always have someone to ask when I need to be taught.
I almost gave up on the arms are neither long nor strong enough to yank the cord into ignition.
I was swearing at that thing like it was a bowl of Jasmine's mother's cookie dough!
(that's some brutal treatment, I tell ya, but damned if the cookies aren't scared into perfection!)
I finally tried pulling the cord with the handle depressed.
I don't know how else to explain it, but it's what you hold down while you mow, and if you let go it turns off.
I don't know if that's how you're supposed to turn on the fucking machine or not,
because I've only mowed one lawn in my life and I didn't turn on the mower that way.
I didn't turn it on at all...He did.
It's cool to solve my own problems.

I also tried to drill holes in my way to hang a towel rod thingy and it worked out ok, but it was not a clean job, that's for sure.

Today I finished the last of my Replacement Shopping.
I hope.
Damn but it's been expensive to share our stuff!!
Oh well...
It's been such a smooth affair I can't really complain.
Like, for example, at least I have the money to replace stuff.
For now...
I need to plan carefully or I'll end up broke.

I am giving a lot of thought to my anonymity at this point.
I hate the idea of moving again, but I'm not sure I can be as open as I need and want to without one more move.
Fuuuuuuck that.
We'll see.
I'll keep you posted...

Hope you all have fantastic, respective weekends.
I plan to!!
And next week is Fall Break, so I have NO SCHOOL ALL WEEK!!!
My kids are off Thursday and Friday, but still--
that's 3 whole days of them at school/me at not-school!!!
peace out--

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

So many words, built up then dissolved...

I still have no rhythm for blogging in my life, but I wanted to give you the update.
Everything with the move is still going very well, and we're both so happy about it that it's kind of funny.
My kids will be starting school today, and I'm so excited for them!
Their school is brand new and is beautiful.
They'll be in class with my dear friend J's little boy (not phD J, who moved to virgina and has no kids...but a darling, sweet, happy friend who lives very close).
The best part, for all of us, is that this school starts at 9 instead of 8 and has 5 full days of school instead of a half on Friday.
Ok, that last part's better for me than for them, but they'll live.

They talked me into getting them a kitten.
I am excited about this, but it was just too soon.
I still feel very overwhelmed by all the changes and have some minor unpacking and some home improvement stuff yet to do, but I'm sure it'll work out ok.
Last night I called dear D and as she listened to me unwind from my day, the cat came and sat on my chest and would not leave.
Every time I would move the little dear away from my face she would come right back.
I was bloody exhausted and all I wanted was to lie comfortably on my bed and chat with one of my very best friends--who I had lost and now I get to have back!!!!
And when I finished my call and came here to check my email before sleeping, at long last, where was the precious little dear?
That's right: prowling around the keyboard causing all sorts of havoc.
The good news is that her persistence in my bedroom was the motivation I needed to re-hang my door so that now I can comfortably keep her out.
Yay for that!!
A couple of my doors were left off by the slacker-asses who painted this place a few weeks ago, but oh well...the paint looks better than it did before, so I'll deal with it.

Ok, so enough of the details!!

It is so cool to be living in a house I've lived in before!
One of the hardest parts of moving (after all the packing, etc) is finding your way around a new neighborhood, and even your own house--the mindless patterns of our lives become conscious and it's a little exhausting.
No more stepping of the shower and groggily running through all the steps of your morning routine--the location of your toothbrush requires a real, live THOUGHT and the route to your closet becomes a complex math problem.
I remember this from the last move.
This time, I am organizing my kitchen with hardly a thought--
pans went there, baking products here, and canned stuff right here!
Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.
And for those of you who have been around so long you remember my love of the views from this place, they are still here and still stunning!!!
The sun rises and sets at my doorstep.
The sky is always so filled with wonder--
even storm clouds are art, as they spread across the mountainous horizon.

Remember when I said my credit card number had been stolen?
But that I was relieved to know that the credit card company wouldn't make me pay?
Well, they called yesterday and I thought they were just asking routine questions to finalize the case but instead they started accusing me of lying and said the charges don't appear fraudulent.
They claim the charges were made using my card.
How would THAT be physically possible in that case?
And the charges were made at places I don't go, in locations that aren't in my usual pattern and for amounts I would never spend.
Most of them were at gas stations for around $100 or $200, and I know gas is high, but my car tops out around $50 and I NEVER go inside a convience store to spend that kind of money--and only ever go inside on rare occasions, or on road trips and I STILL don't spend 50-100 dollars on gas station crap.
They could see that if they would bother to analyze my spending patterns.
Although, to be fair, there's not much to analyze because I never use that card.
So it's not like it was that hard for me to figure out that someone else charged an extra $2000 to my rarely-used card.
I actually ended the call by calling the guy names, crying, and hanging up.
I'm sure my divorce-related stress had as much to do with how hard I took it as anything, but I felt so fucked over.
They were basically saying they hold all the cards.
(...believe me when I say No Pun Intended)
Because the card wasn't physically stolen (and WHY DIDN'T I JUST SAY IT WAS????) they dont' have to actually investigate the crime.
Capital One No Hassle, MY ASS!
Yes, I will be calling today.
I just wish there was something more I could do.
I feel so helpless.
Maybe I'll go talk to my bank and see if they have any advice.
I would be willing to give the CC people a copy of my debit card record--since that is where I spend all my money--so they can analyze my true spending habits and see that the use of that card does not fit my pattern.
It's a "buy the occasional thing on the internet and pay for vacations" card.
It gets paid off every month, just like my husband's travel credit card.
The man actually said at one point, "I just get the feeling you're leaving something out here."
The card was used at several locations multiple times, so I may just go to those places and ask if they have surveillance tapes I can look at.
Or something!
This fucker on the phone claimed that my signature had been used on some of the charges.
I don't buy it.
...again, "no pun intended."
It's true that I could have been wrong on one or two of the charges, but not more than that, and frankly I'd like to know which ones had supposed signatures because I doubt any of them did.
I know for a fact that I only used that card on the trip to Maine and for 2 or 3 things right after (cuz we were talking divorce and he said I shouldn't use the checking account...that only lasted like 4 days).
I was very careful when I looked at the list of transactions.
I even googled store numbers to find out the address of this or that gas station so I could be sure they were places I didn't visit and they were.
They also said it didn't look like fraud because I was the one who attempted to make the final charge--the one that tipped me off that but the "other person" stopped using it without having it declined.
How the hell should I know???
All I know is that I'm NOT crazy.
I did not max out a card that I know I was lying dormant in a stack of other non-credit cards in the far recesses of a zippered pocket in my purse!
I don't use the damn thing!
I just don't.

Sorry...just needed to vent...
and, I'll be honest--if there's anyone out there with any good advice, please share it with me.
The soon-to-be Ex called just as I was wrapping up the phone call, as I cried, and so he got to hear about it.
He is livid and told me to try talking to them about it again, but if I don't get anywhere, to just refuse to pay.
Like my credit needs THAT right now, after not working and having almost nothing in my name for 7 years!
He said make 'em sue you.
He said let 'em try to garnish your wages if they win.
He said you don't have a job, what are they going to garnish?
Thanks, mr. gravy train. :)
I will have a job soon (ish), just for the record...
but not yet.
Gotta finish this semester.

I am pretty frustrated with that and hope I can talk some sense into someone there.

As for the rest of my life, it's pretty beautiful at the moment.
Even this annoying little bundle of fur makes me smile.
She's so soft and little O is madly in love with her.
My brother's family took the kids for a few hours last night while I got some errands done and when O called me to see how much longer I would be he expressed adorable concern of the kitty's loneliness.

I'll write more soon.
So much to say, so little time....

I'm back! That was fast, huh?
I have to leave in a minute, but I just uploaded some pictures and I wanted to share them with you.
This one is the funniest thing I saw, on moving day.
With their cruiser's keys locked inside it...

And the table and chairs I put together the other night:

And the shelves I put together that night:

God bless IKEA!!

And the lovely knobs I got for my cabinets:

And the KITTY!!!!

Friday, September 28, 2007

Hello there, friends!!!

Oh, what a week it has been!
I am in desperate need of sleep, and have a kitchen full of boxes,
but I am smiling and loving this world!
I know this is all probably a little bit hard to understand, but it's like the weight has just been plucked from my shoulders and tossed into the ocean.
Both of us are comfortable with this decision, and happy with it.
I have not felt this free and this filled with joy in years.
There are very sad moments, from time to time...but it's all a part of the process.
The bottom line is that we are both setting out on paths to our destinies and we both agree that our time together was well spent, but that time is also up.
We will both be happier this way.
And I know in my heart that the kids will end up having a better relationship with him this way.
That may be hard for you to understand, but it's all I'm willing to say on the subject.
He is a good man, and did his very best to be a better husband and father than his own.
He succeeded.
I have had the most incredible support this week from a handful of amazing women,
without whom this move would not have been possible--either that or it would be only 1/3 of the way complete instead of 95%.
I feel so loved, so free!
It's the strangest sensation and I'll have to write a better post when I've had more sleep...
3 nights this week have been 2-hour nighters, one of which was last night.
I have so many great stories and I know I can communicate better if I sleep, so I'll write again tomorrow.
This is the 3rd night of sleeping in my new(old) home and it feels incredible!

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Moving day--

Well, as it turns out, the time has come to truly ramble on.
What?? Another blog move already?? What is this girl, NUTS?

Try again...
I'm moving out of this big lovely house.
And back into that smaller lovely house.

No time to talk, but I'll look forward to greeting you all with a smile when I sit down in my new home tomorrow night.

Tomorrow the movers come and everything's packed (well, almost everything) and the best part is that He and I are both ok.
It's hard and scary and sad (just ask my tear-soaked pillow or the tissues littering my floor) but it's what's right for all of us.
Yes, even the kids.
I'd rather not mudsling, so please take my word for it.

I am as shocked as you are, and have had about 42 hours to plan this move, amidst attempts at studying for tests at school so I'm beyond frazzled at the moment.

Will check in tomorrow.

Friday, September 21, 2007

I think it's safe to say

I'm plum wore out!
...ok, maybe it's never technically "safe" to say such a dorky thing in public, but still.
It's a safe assumption to make.
That's me.
We've undertaken the arduous task of rearranging our entire house.
Well, that's not true...
the kitchen's still the kitchen and the bathrooms are all pretty much staying put,
but the guest room, the kids' computer room and each of our offices are all being flip-flopped,
(I've never heard that before, but it rhymes and I LIKE IT!).
I am currently installed in my new office, and the boys' computers are set up in their new location, but the guest bed is in the middle of the (basement) family room and my office is completely empty and His looks like it got hit by a tornado.
Of course, it has looked like that for months.
Did you hear that?
It wasn't a gust of wind at your sill, it was my continent drifting exhale.
I'm tired but I'm happy,
I'm brave but I'm chicken shit...

I love this location.

I will have less peace and quiet at certain times of the day,
but I am centrally located again,
and my painting is just above my desk, so I can glance up at it and feel inspired
at any time I want.
My book case is just beside me, carefully organized this time--
top shelf: school
second shelf: all my crazy favorites like Confederacy of Dunces, Chuck Palahniuk, Bukowski, etc
third shelf: sets, like Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles, Narnia, Ender, and of course the Harry Potter books*
fourth shelf: reference stuff, and first-run-at-college text books
bottom shelf: stuff I can't bring myself to dis, because I did enjoy them, but they're just less noteworthy, like Mary Higgins Clark and Clive Cussler...
I'm sure you were all just dyyyyying to know...
Turns out I have an almost-compulsion to list stuff.

Eh, whatever.
We brought the books up in armfuls and I loved how they looked on the table:

*I just bought the 4 I didn't have in paper back so it's complete, baby!!! Can't wait to read it from the beginning some time. Little known fact about your favorite bored star: I almost NEVER reread books. No matter how much I loved a book I am always too eager to chew up and swallow the next story to fit in rereads. I plan to change this...

The desk and bookcase are both in a reddish tone,
there is a large mirror with a reddish frame,
and the rug has reds in it,
but the best part of my non-Shining-esque Red Room is that when the sun comes in through the soon-to-be-annoying unshuttered windows at the top of the room, the light hitting my hair shows a curious red color!
My hair looks like a tangled ball of yarn, but whatever.
You'll see that I'm either multi-colored or that the camera only captured the red in a certain spot:

All that furniture lugging and organzing tuckered me right out.
So I grabbed the two handsomest redheads I could find and we ate ice cream and popcorn in my bed while watching Ghost Rider.
That movie was awesome!
I love comic book movies.
I had to keep pausing it to answer their questions...
they didn't even know who or what a devil was!
How negligent of a mormon-raised girl am I???
I am kind of glad that they aren't aware of that stuff, but that was still a weird moment.
Still, it was when I explained that the fiery skulled guy was good that they said they wanted to be like him--not just because he was powerful, but because he was a BADASS MOTHERFUCKER and was also trying to help people.
They loved it. I a bad mother...?

After the movie I shuffled them to their beds and finished preparations for the arrival of my overnight guest.
Get your minds out of the gutter--
I have a friend from home who lives a few hours from here and had a date with a Salt Lake guy tonight so she's crashing here.
If only we had finished our grand rearrangement, I wouldn't have had to clean my kids' bathroom...gah--it needed it, though, so I'll be glad I was forced to do it.
I really tend to avoid that bathroom.
Like the plague that's probably growing there.
Nah, it wasn't that bad.
I just really don't clean it as often as I clean the other bathrooms because I know their habits and behaviors.
Anyway, I got everything squared away for her arrival and now, here I am,
happy in the semi-dark of my new location with Journey playing
and a busy weekend leering at me from the next square on my calendar.
It's going to be a good one.
Just busy.

My first round of exams is coming right up.
I am not quite ready, but I should be by the time they hit.
I hope I don't forget to study...
Speaking of being ready, I think I'm ready for some serious snoozology.
Peace out, my ninjas.
(ha! I sound like such a POSER saying that! I'm no ninja--I'm a fucker, not a fighter...)