Thursday, October 11, 2007

I bet you think you haven't heard from me all week because I got my tv hooked up.
But that's not the case.
My dish is functioning, but my life isn't.
Well, it's not THAT bad.
Probably more hormonal than anything, but I've had some sadness this week.
I'm exhausted.
I'm even getting tired of telling everyone how happy I am.
Because underneath all the smiles and brightly looking toward my future,
there are little splotches of grief and disbelief.
I can't bear to think about the fact that I'll never fall asleep in his arms again.
Or that I'll never have orgasms like That again.
I can't linger too long on his big empty house, with a kitchen that doesn't magically feed him all of his favorite foods anymore...
No more sitting on the back porch while he smokes.
No more trying to give him the family he never had. more feeling under appreciated, under loved and way over fucked.
And no more feeling unable to follow my heart--whether it be through creative expression or through choosing how to raise the kids.
No more choosing between his happiness or mine.
But I miss him today.
And I wonder if all my optimism is misplaced; will I really find true love?
MY version of true love, that is.
Not some lame-ass fairy tale.
Not some flash-in-the-pan.
I do still believe I will find Him.
But I'm not even ready to think about looking.
I don't want to think about dating or even having wild flings.
I want to be a nun for a while.
Or better--I want to have no temtpation, no interest.
I want to be a hermit.
I want to be alone, alone, alone.
I can't do that because then I would not be able to hold on.
I feel so dislodged.
Like a ship with no anchor.
I float out to sea, and the scenery is beautiful but the sharks circle...
Ha--good thing one of my best friends is a Sharkie...
I will be ok.

We filled out the first draft of our papers yesterday, and tomorrow the kids go for their first visitation.
I suspect I have been avoiding the issue.
Trying so hard to focus on the positive that I left the negative out on the driveway in the rain...
Guess I better spend some time mourning this.

I am so tired.
But I still have so much to do.
I hope it will get less busy soon...