Saturday, October 13, 2007

Divorce Drama

I wrote this post last week, but I didn't want to sully the simple beauty of my sexy posts with its utter divorce drama-ness. it is:

When I dropped the kids off for their weekend with Dad the neighbor took it upon herself to inform me of a female visitor who has been spending a lot of time at his house.
It really made my head spin for a few minutes.
It hurt.
I wasn't going to mention it to him, but as soon as I drove away from her house he called and asked what she wanted to talk to me about.
So I told him.
And I asked him if he was dating her and he said, "You could call it that."
So I called Shar and cried for a few minutes and then I called Becky and bitched for a few minutes.
And then I felt better.
And I said, "Well, there goes the guilt I was feeling for entertaining the idea of hooking back up with ole What's-his-name."
...who never arrived at the party anyway.
But this boy did.
And he makes longboards as a hobby and plays guitar and thinks I'm spectacular.
(that last one is just code for: has really great taste in women).
We'll see.
If I don't see him again I don't think I'll care, but that's easy to say when he's only been gone a few minutes and my body still aches from the primal passion with which he needed me...
Thank you, Universe!
Thank you for sending me a momentary reprieve from the sadness of divorce.
Oh, and he writes...

Before he had even arrived, I had realized that I am happy for my SoonToBe and that I hope he's having a great time with whoever the skank is.
Yes, I'm still a GIRL, why do you ask?
I just want to be clear that this connection with this man was not a revenge thing.
I guess now that we're a small, intimate group here I might as well just spill the fucking beans--
I cheated on my husband last year.
That is what got us into this mess.
That and the fact that we were never a good match.
At all.
Not to mention that I was exhausted from the effort of trying to make him accept love for 8 years,
nor the fact that he had accused me of cheating for 8 years.
I was never a girl who could cheat.
It wasn't in me.
But I guess you should never say never.
When you go without Love for so long and are told that you're a cheater...
well, whatever.
There's no excuse.
I did what I did.
And I hate having caused him so much pain.
But he now agrees that we're better off apart, and if this girl helped him to see that, then I'm extra glad he found her.
As we wrestled with this decision these past 9 months, he was never ready.
We both wanted to make it work, but we also both knew that we were never going to be ok again.

I can't believe I admited all that.
I just feel like it's important that if you're here, supporting my happiness that you understand what led me here.
I am finally free.
And maybe I can never fully express all that was wrong in my marriage and all that we both did to try to make a round peg fit into a square hole for so many years, but I do honor the fact that we both tried.
For two people who should never have made it past the 6 month mark, we really blew it out of the park.
And I truly hope that he finds a better match in this girl, and I know without a doubt that I will find a better match myself.
I also know that I am a great wife and that I'll never settle for the wrong man again, and that I'll never be such a coward as to cheat in order to end things...
I learned so much from that experience alone!
And I learned that I am as strong as I remember being.
It's hard to make this clear without being more negative about Mr. Ex than I would like to be, but I'm sure I'll go into more detail some time.
The gist of it is that he didn't come into the marriage with tools for success and he had a different list of priorities, across the board, from me.

Oh, a side note, and a very negative one at that: when he returned the kids to me on Sunday I asked them if they had fun carving pumpkins with Dad.
They said, "Yes. And his friend was there."
My stomach dropped and I said, calmly, "Oh? What was his friend's name?"
They answered with a girl's name, although, much to my delight it hadn't stuck with them--they said one of my friend's names and added, "But not that, just something like that."
I finished the conversation and quietly excused myself to go outside and call their irresponsible, selfish father.
That was the biggest fight we've had since the split and frankly, it was mostly one sided.
I let him HAVE IT.
What the hell???
It was his first weekend with his kids and he had to have her come over???
We had even agreed previously that we would NOT introduce people we were dating to our kids until things were serious, and I said, "I don't care if you think it's serious or not at this point. We have only been separated for TWO WEEKS. That is way too soon for kids."
We had it out pretty good over the next couple of conversations and I think he finally understands that it is just WRONG to do that.
"I introduced her as my friend..."
I can handle it, but the kids shouldn't have to.
Hell, he took the chick to meet his brother's family without warning them and his brother wouldn't even let her in the house!
He said, "Dude. My kids! They are still adjusting to this."
Thank god there are people in his life who aren't brain dead.
Cuz he kinda is.

In happier news, I may get to see my adorable one tonight...
and I definitely get to see him tomorrow!
I am soooooooooooo excited!!


Orange said...

Duuuude...exposing the kids and the family to a brand-new girlfriend less than a month after the separation began? That ain't cool. It's simply not done.

Daddy's weekends with the kids are when Mama gets to spend time with a fresh new man. It's the days in between those weekends when Daddy gets to have his shiny new girlfriend.

And that fresh new man? Sounds deeeeliciously fresh and juicy.

Tricia said...

"a round peg in a square hole..."

HAR! Maybe it would've been better to say square peg/round hole, because that just makes him look worse. :D

As for the STBX (soon-to-be-ex) having his new 'friend' over...yeah, that was stupid. But I still win. I have to send my boys off every other weekend with their dad who now LIVES with the woman who's the reason he no longer lives at home with them. Puke.

Great courage in this post...I know how hard that must've been to admit to us. Thanks for that.

Itchy said...

Dude...I'm freaking out a bit over the thought of my soon-to-be dating and we're going on two months without, I'd be freaked out AND pissed if I were in your situation. Good grief! Two weeks...silly man.

And I hope that getting that admission off your chest made you feel a bit better. Releasing it into the wild, if you will.

I want you to know, as silly as this may sound, that reading what you are experiencing at the moment is kinda helping me, too. How you are finding yourself. And finding out how strong you are, and have always been. And mowing your yard. I hope that's not too much of an "all about me" statement...

Zuska said...

I KNEW our situations were similar! KNEW it.

I was also happy when my ex got together with his now-wife. For the same reasons. They're very happy now, and she's a great presence for my girls.

Hell, if it weren't for her, they would eat or have any exposure to sunlight when they're with their dad ;)

Mr. L said...

First: Last year when you said you had ruined your whole life the night before (or words to that effect), it was fairly obvious what you meant!

Second: You have a square hole?? WTF?!? :)

Bud said...

Oh, I somehow missed this one first time around. You are right to be pissed, that's asking a lot of kids so soon. And I do hope you are very careful choosing a mate the second time around because you deserve so much more.

Lisa said...

Nah, you didn't miss it, Bud. When I posted it from draft it kept the original date and aligned itself that way. :) And yes...he's such a dope. And yes, you better believe I will settle for nothing short of my soul mate, and no man of mine is going to be one to be so oblivious to the feelings of those around him! Eff no. :)

Yeah, Mr. L, I pretty much figured most people would catch on to that, but I still didn't feel like I could/should talk about it. Not to mention it's hard to admit that to people you care about. And yes, I have a square hole. What of it??? :P

I love your attitude, lovely Zuska!! I am looking forward to him having someone there to help make sure the boys don't solely eat fast food while they're there, and it doesn't hurt that my SIL confided that I'm prettier and have a better rack. Heee!

As I said on your blog, Itchy, I am so sorry that I've been so out of it as to miss your heartache completely! I would have been so jealous if I had known about it when it happened. :) (that was clue #23 that I was ready for divorce...being wistful at the news of others' divorces...) Anyway. I'll have to think of some "how to get back on the horse" tips for the newly separated...

I think I did get that backwards, didn't I Tricia?? Oops. :) Yes, you certainly do win on that one! It must be so painful, still.

Oh, that he is, Orange! That he is. So beautiful, so sweet, so sexy--and so into me!!! Wooot!! Ahem, and yes...C. is such a dope. He's just socially clueless, so I can forgive him for this. He was a true gentleman when we had a conversation about the whole thing.

Mona Buonanotte said...

Ditto what Mr. L said. We sorta knew. But your admission here was a brave thing, lady. I'm glad you're dealing so well and so gracefully, and still kick STBX's ass when he's being a total...y'know.