Saturday, October 6, 2007

Waking up early, just to lie there and think...

It's a weird phenomenon, and a little annoying.
But I keep being so exhausted that I fall asleep easily so that's cool.
It's just bizarre that at 6am sharp every morning I am suddenly and pleasantly wide awake.
I am NOT a morning person, in case you hadn't heard.
Maybe there's a loud truck leaving for work around that time or maybe the roosters penetrate my primal brain....
Yes, there are roosters!!!!
I live on the edge of civilization and there are farms near enough that I can actually hear roosters in the morning.
Fuckin rock that!

I am having this weird indecision about the blog.
Something doesn't feel quite right to me, in me.
I want to find my voice again, I feel like it's ready to be heard again,
but I am mute.
Probably to achieve true freedom in blogging I'll have to start another blog.
Not that he's reading, but this URL is known to the SoonToBe, and it's definitely harder to open up knowing that I could something that might be hurtful to him.
Which is not to say that I'm feeling negatively toward him--
not at all, in fact!
There is so much "I'm happy that you're happy" flowing between us that I bet most newlyweds would be jealous!!
Ok, bit of a stretch, but you get the idea.
I did have a dream about him last night.
We were living in my hometown, but the events were the same, and he told me I should go on a date and 30 seconds later my phone rang and it was someone named Mitch who claimed to have met me at a party and wanted to take me on a date on the second week of December.
...huh??
In the dream I even took note of the date and thought, "Wow! That's far off. What the hell??"
Silly.

Happiness is not the only emotion I'm experiencing, though.
I'm sad that our journey together is over.
I miss having him there to take care of me and to make all our stupid jokes with.
I mean who else can I say, "Alaska?" to and not have to explain the derivation?
("Ya know?"--> "Juneau?"--> "Alaska?"/"Anchorage?"/"Gnome?")
And I can't help but wonder if he's just pretending to be happy so that we can live with this decision, but all the evidence (including my gut feeling) refutes that.
It's just so weird to think that I'm not responsible for him anymore and vice versa.

I had some thoughts last night as I was drifting off--

I try to see myself through the lens of your memories
the blonde curls, the baby teeth
grinning sweetly from the sticky, acidic pages of that red bound album.
I am not where you hoped I would be,
but I am happy.
Your generation is not mine,
and I must stop trying to be you, because
I would not thrive in your shoes and
I do not fear being alone (yet) the way that you did...
Or was it fear of failure?
I would rather be alone than be with someone so wrong for me...
You taught me well--
most by example, only a few What Not To Dos...

Happy Saturday, kids--

6 comments:

Orange said...

A friend of mine started a new blog (with a new pseudonym) when she and her husband split up. Before, she'd write about how things had unraveled, and maybe a commenter would say "I'm sorry he put you through that," and then he'd leave a pissy comment saying that there were two sides to the story. It's not like she uses the new blog to badmouth him—just to talk honestly about how she's feeling and know that he isn't reading it and reacting to it. Most posts aren't about the soon-to-be-ex at all—just about her job, her beau, her parents, her life goals. But she speaks freely.

I haven't blogrolled her with her new URL because her ex visited the blogs of some of her commenters, and if he was still reading it wouldn't be hard to find her new blog.

Bud said...

You could have a private blog with a password or invite only type of deal. I know a couple of those, actually.

I love waking up early but then I'm dog ass tired by mid day. That's why they invented caffeine, I guess.

Lately I've noticed things for the first time in old lyrics I've written that made me realize what my subconscious was doing. It may be time for us to go reread ourselves. Just a thought that came to me now.

Nancy Dancehall said...

No harm in starting a new one. Doesn't mean you have to close this one down. Obviously, it's bothering you enough to mention it.

Dick said...

Since I married an early person I have had to switch my hours. It wasn't hard and seems to work fine. And I can still stay up late when there things going on but not to just watch TV. I drift off to sleep.

As to a new blog, that is something you will have to decide on. I know of many who have more than one blog so that might be an option.

d-man said...

Cocks wake you up?

Love the writing. As always.

Lisa said...

Yes, that's right, d-man--several of them! Poking and rubbing and...uh...wait, we're talking about male chickens, aren't we...? Well. A girl can dream!!! hahahahaaaaaaaaaaaa

Good thought, Dick. I'll figure something out and keep everyone posted...

Yup. Worrying me, Nancy, but I'll deal.

yeah....oh, Bud, you're right! It is time to re-read some stuff and remember what I learned or learn what I need to, or something!!! And as for early mornings and caffeine? The latter does nothing to alleviate the effects of the former, sadly enough. If I'm dog ass tired the only cure is for night time to come and for me to get a normal amount of sleep. Naps fuck up my whole entire world. :)

Food for thought, Orange, food for thought. :D