Skippin' School....

I have tons of homework and a couple of tests to study for and I figured that a better use of my time--better than 2 hours in the car and 2 out of 3 classes staring into space--would be to stay home and FOCUS.
So, that's what I'm doing.
By blogging...
Ha!
No...I just needed to post cuz I haven't posted for a few days.
And I promise that I'll focus on school as soon as I finish this.
I swear it.
It shall be done!

Ok, anyway...

So much to catch up on!
I got a badly-needed haircut yesterday and my blonde-but-thick eyebrows got their sorry selves waxed to hell, so I feel much lovelier than I did just 24 hours ago.

The SoonToBe is still trying to play games with me on occasion, but I've figured out how to outsmart him.

Today is Halloween and the boys are all dressed up and excited for the day's festivities, of which there are MANY.
Parade at 2:00 at their school (another reason for my school skippage; I would have had to leave early if I wanted to make it to the parade anyway...)
Party at 4:00 at dear Janet's house--complete with bobbing for apples, other games and non-candy treat bags!
What a doll! My hat is off to her for her bravery in hosting 25 kids...eek!
And then when we finish up there we're going to Hogi Yogi, where my old babysitter works (can't believe she's almost 18!) because they are having a big party with games and activities for the kids.
AND THEN.
Trick-or-Treating!
And then to bed with them!
AND THEN.
Watching a scary movie with my heartthrob, my secret crush, my booty call--
Sweet and handsome B.
Dear B who took out my trash the other night after I fed him a late dinner of coconut chicken curry.
Took out the trash.
My jaw gapes at the sexiness of that!
Yes, guys, it's the little things.
And I for one appreciate every Thing from little to big.
So then we popped in The Shining and Shar had to run to the store and we were lying there watching it and I was trying to concentrate on Jack Nicholson in all his charming normalcy, but the beginning of that movie is far less compelling than the middle and the end especially when you've seen it before and he was TOUCHING ME so it's not like it was my fault and then I let out a low growl and I pounced on that poor boy and fucked him silly.
I think I am capable of things I never dreamed of because finally...
finally I am experiencing a level of mutual attraction I've never encountered in the flesh.
(Well, except for that first love of mine, but that was too chaste to count.)
He asked me if I would ever remarry and I said hell yes.
he seemed surprised and asked for further explanation.
I explained that I just feel ready for it, and that while I am in no rush I know I make a great wife and I love being with someone for the long term.
I said I learned a ton about how to make a marriage work because we weren't a good match but we ended up having a good marriage for most of the time anyway because we both were so willing to make it work.
I said I learned a lot about myself and what is most important to me in a spouse.
I gave him back his own question and he said that when he first got divorced he planned on never marrying again--
bought his sister a Cuckoo clock for her wedding!
He had a lot of bitterness because he said he had planned to stay married forever and she just hadn't had the same commitment--to her it had been like dating, with the breaking up and making up.
Poor sweet kid...
And he said that yes, he would get married if he found the right girl and I said exactly, because isn't that what it's all about?
Why get married if it isn't to someone you just want to spend the rest of your life with, period??
It was a cool conversation.
And did I mention the explosive sex??
...just checking.
*grin*

So where are we...?
Um, on Monday I stopped by the aforementioned old babysitter's house to see if she was around.
She and her little brother (who is now almost 16 and very tall!) were there and SOOO happy to see us!
She loved my kids so much.
She babysat them on a fairly regular basis from the time they were a year old up until we moved, so for about 3 years.
She is a sweet, sweet girl.
I said, "I bet you're too old to babysit, huh?" But she said no way--she would love to watch the boys for me!
So hallelujah and hooray!
Her brother would do it, too, if she's ever not free when I need someone!
So that's pretty awesome.
I hated having no options, since I may or may not be DATING THE CUTEST BOY IN THE WESTERN HEMISPHERE RIGHT NOW!
And he likes to fly by the seat of his pants as much as I do, but when you have kids to arrange for, pant seats end up rather stationary.
Heh.
Anyway.
She also has her own car and offered to pick them up from school anytime because she picks up her brother every day at about that time.
Which is fuggin sweeeet-ass because I am NOTORIOUS for running late!
And did I mention she's just plain adorable and I am so happy to be in touch with her again???
She has grown up A LOT since she was 15.
She's doing a CNA program concurrently with her high school and even plans to go to college for further nursing training!
I am SO PROUD.
...at 15 her plans were to get pregnant and get married--in no particular order--as soon as possible.

Anyway.

Kid funny of the day:
Oliver was playing a game on his computer, on the internet, this morning before school, as they both always do.
From the playroom I hear, "Hey! I'm too busy to go back to school!"
And I could hear in his voice the wonder that the advertisement had been aimed DIRECTLY AT HIM!
...uh...sorry honey, that's for grownups who are too busy for college...get yer ass out here and get dressed!
I was dying.

So yesterday I was driving from my haircut (with my darling Slade, who does WONDERS with hair, I tell ya!) to drop off some leftover curry to Becks, who couldn't make it the night before.
And.
I was keeping my eye on the storefronts whipping past me on State St.
I was looking for a pawn shop, hoping to find some skiis.
Well...
I didn't ever see a pawn shop, but I saw Parks Sports...
And their sign said they had K2 skiis starting at $99.
So I thought, what the hell, I'll check it out.
As it turned out, with bindings and boots those $99 skiis were over $400, but lucky for me they had a package deal for $399...bait and switch, much??
BUT.
I have looked at ski prices enough lately to know that it was still a great deal so I did it.
The guy got me fitted for boots and poles and measured me for skiis and they are there having the bindings put on RIGHT NOW.
I am....ecstatic!
They are beautiful and I can't FUCKING WAIT FOR IT TO SNOW!!!!!!
If I don't go on a roadtrip for Thanksgiving, I will be at Brighton for the entire week.
Too bad I don't live in Salt Lake anymore...
Oh well.
My freeeeeeedom is worth the extra 30 minutes to get to the slopes, baby!!!
I am so friggin excited I can hardly stand it.
Now I just have to get some ski pants, a parka, gloves, and goggles...
gah.
This is why I've never gotten into skiing before!
I better check out my supplies at the SoonToBe's house.
That is, IF his girlfriend can handle not showing up unexpectedly again.
I stopped by there on Monday to grab something the kids had left there over the weekend and we had arranged for me to also collect x-mas decorations and snowpants, etc.
Just as I walk through the door he says she's on her way.
So decide to pee first, grab the kids' gameboy and peel.
No sooner did my lily white cheeks hit the seat than the GARAGE DOOR OPENED.
What the fuck?
So I scrambled back into a fully dressed status and bolted.
"Is that HER??"
He affirmed.
I continued with my bolt.
Fuck, dudes.
I had NO desire to just run into the bitch, ya know???
I'm sure I'll stumble across her eventually, but I was just not prepared.
My hands were shaking, my heart racing.
God, I was pissed.
(and full of piss, since I was robbed of my moment with my porcelain god!)
How could he do that???
He apologized the next day, but whatever.
I don't really care; it was just a deer-in-the-headlights moment and I mostly felt like he did it on purpose, not to MENTION the fact that SHE PARKS IN MY GARAGE???
Ok, so it's not mine anymore, but fuck...
That's just weird.
And he claims they're not sleeping together???
Whatever.
That means they're at least trying to hide her car so that if I was a lame-ass stalker (which I'm not) then I wouldn't know if/when she was there.
I can guarantee it.
Either that or she's already living there, but frankly I just don't care anymore.
All that drama almost ruined the beautiful moment we shared on the phone just before I arrived.
He thanked me for making him a better man, etc.
It was so validating to hear that!!!
Because it's true...we both made each other better and I was feeling really shafted by some of his comments and his behavior--feeling like none of that even mattered to him anymore, ya know?
And I know there is unpleasantness in divorce but when you feel like the blood sweat and tears that you gave to make someone's life better--which was common knowledge, I'm not just tooting my own horn--means nothing to that person...aaahhh....it was awful.
So anyway.
The divorce train chugs along.

Well, apparently this once-or-twice-a-week blogger is very long-winded when she does blog!!!
Sorry....
And now that I've spent an HOUR emptying my head of all my silly stories, I think I will get ON that homework!!!
Thanks for listening, my dears!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!!!!

Euphoria emanating from the very core of my soul--

That man.
Oh, oh, that man!
Tonight I wore the corset and the heels and a velvet cape and my long black hair was straightened and sometimes I even had the teeth in and
this dear man of mine (mine? how is that possible?) was smiling the whole night away,
was luxuriating in my presence as I was in his.
Everyone in that bar wanted to be us.
The love flowing between us was thick and full.
And tonight it was his turn to talk, finally.
Teen years spent on the beaches of Cali, surfing and smoking pot and sitting around bonfires and then the turns he took, the conscious choices to take new paths!
And he has found a balance, he believes, between the wild and unfettered life of his nature and the structure and restraint necessary to be a part of society.

He spoke my own thoughts out loud and all I could do was smile gently and say, "I know...I know..."

And then he told me that the message I left for him today made him sad,
because he could hear the anxiety in my voice.
And I knew he meant that he missed hearing my usual happiness and I smiled and said, "I know."
And then we went inside and he looked very serious--no, distraught, angsty.
And he said, "I hated that conversation."
For a moment I thought he had switched into an alternate personality because the full length of the conversation we had been having all night was one of the most beautiful segments of communication ever to pass through human lips.
But then he said, "I can't believe I tried to tell you what to do! I tried to tell you what kind of a message you could leave me?" He was incredulous at himself.
"No," I said, taking his face in my hands, "No. You didn't tell me that at all. You told me that you missed hearing ME in that message. I wasn't being Me. So it was a good conversation to have. It told me that you like who I am, and do not need me to ever feel anxious about calling you."
His relief was visible.

And it is important to note that he spent several lovely, long minutes detailing why connecting through our minds was so much more fulfilling than only connecting through sex.
With which I heartily agree.
That said...
we fucked HARD on the counter, and finished up on my living room floor.
And I must say that it feels like he is the missing part of my body when we're twined together like that...

And through all of this passion and all of this connecting-of-the-souls, I still know that he will only be in my life for a brief time.
but I also know that he will give me more in this time than I have ever dreamed possible and that I will come out the other side a changed person.

Also...
I may or may not be minorly high.
I am kinda hungry, kinda sleepy, and just wanting my bed.
Mmmm....my bed has clean sheets and a new blanket!
I have yummy food in my fridge.
I will catch you muthafuckas on the flip side.
Happy halloween!

p.s. the camera washed me out--I look like I have no makeup on, but I do, I do!!!

Fraud, fraud everywhere!

Only this time, they didn't steal my credit card identity
they stole my VISUAL identity!
Someone is posting pictures of me on flikr!!!
Some awesome readers sent me an alert and I checked it out, and sure enough, there I am!
...the upside is that there are 40-something very complimentary comments between the two pictures of me.
(a third is used as this imposter's profile picture)
Gah.

I guess I should just be glad they're not nudes, right?
When the considerate readers sent the email, I clicked on the link fearing the worst.
I mean...
I am going through a divorce right now--he could have taken all the un-cropped versions of nude pictures of me and posted them!
...you know, the ones with the double chin or the weird look on your face...
and, yes, I would be more disturbed by my nudity appearing without my permission than of the "bad" shots being shown, but still.
Both ideas are disturbing.

It is almost my Free Weekend!
And I am ecstatic.
I saw my therapist last night and he was great as always.
I should be hearing from my dear boy tonight so we can finalize weekend plans...
I am almost caught up on homework again, but I just can't believe how busy I have been since the move.
I know it will calm down a little as we get settled, but I don't really mind being so busy.
It's just weird--I keep thinking I'll have all this free time but I don't.

Ok, that's all for now.
Maybe someday I will be an entertaining blogger again...
thanks for hanging in there.

I used to dream about opening a Women's Shelter of some kind...

And today's flavor would be "Battered."
...and not like corn dogs, even though that's what we joked about while standing in line at the courthouse.
Also, just for clarification, "chocke" is the incorrect spelling for the synonym for strangle.
Should I explain better?
Ok...
I have this friend who is dear and smart and funny and beautiful, but her spirit was broken as a very young child by a grandfather she went to for comfort.
She hasn't healed well from that, but she is still a strong, amazing woman.
One of the after effects is that she doesn't dare to love and be loved in quite the most healthy way...so she often choses men who are mean to her or just plain unworthy of her.
Well.
The most recent was prone to violence, which she copped to inciting it at times (she does like to push buttons!).
However.
Last night I was awakened by my phone ringing around 2:30 am and she was bawling and scared to death as she told me he had just held a gun to her head and threatened to kill her and then himself.
Before that he had choked her, and the gun left a mark on her from the force of his threat.
She had called the police and was hiding in her locked apartment--to which he has a key--while he stalked around outside, still angry.
I held on while the cops arrived and arrested his worthless ass, fear gripping me with a thousand angry hands.
Silent prayers going to my version of God (where the G stands for Galen! peace out motherfuckers)
And then she could semi-sleep because he was in jail.
But this morning she got a call.
He had made bail.
I was in my car before she finished the sentence, and my own adrenaline was pushing me toward her, calmly insisting that she get her son and get out NOW.
(Her older son was already at school, but her younger one is in afternoon kindergarten.)
I met her at her sons' school and we went to the police station to file a protective order.
That bastard is not going to hurt her again.
I refuse to let him.
Fucking dickless piece of shit.
He hates me because I've seen through him from the start...
So we added my address to the list of places that he isn't allowed.
*Griiiin*
We giggled all day and cried a little here and there, but we're better at humor...
I told her she really needed to eat and she said, "What if I don't?? Will you put a gun to my head?"
and other such comic gems...
I insisted that she come home with me so I could keep her safe, but after much discussion we found a safer solution than that.
I won't say what, but she should have her locks changed and the order served to him within the next day or two, so hopefully he'll stay away...
God, it scares me.
Guys like that don't let restraining orders stop them.
All I can think of is that Dixie Chicks song...
Goodbye Earl.
...not that I condone that sort of thing.
Ahem.

Anyway.
What's most surreal about it is that my dear friend from high school who lives in another state is in a similar relationship and she called me yesterday while I was with the friend I just told you about.
She was calling to tell me that she had begun looking into ways to leave her husband without him accusing her of kidnapping their baby.
I have insisted to her for months that when the time comes all she needs to do is call me and I'll come get her, or send her money to come to me.
Yes, I believe someone has a Savior complex...
but I just love them so much and I can't bear the thought of big fat meanie head men hurting them!!!
So it was just interesting that yesterday my local friend and I were giving the out of state friend some good advice and encouraging her to leave a bad situation and then BOOOOM, things (almost literally) exploded right here.
Gah.

That fucker better leave her alone.

In cheerier news...
my dear boy called me tonight and we made plans for the weekend.
Don't tell anyone, but...
He really likes me!
...and did I mention how fucking adorable he is, inside and out?
I truly feel like I wished him into existence.
We're going to have so much fun...
We make each other laugh, and we make each other think, and we turn each other on--
does it GET any better than that???
I very smugly didn't think so.
Hee....

If I get my Linguistics test finished tonight (a take-home exam) and I still have the energy, you guys may get to view a glimpse of the photos I'm going to take...
I will probably end up on the phone with girlfriends instead, but I will be doing this photo shoot soon.
I promise.
...I will not, however, promise to share ALL the photos.
Just some cropped stuff...
Picture me, grinning at you...

Life is a dance; I think I'll lead...

It has been 26 days since I stepped out of my life and into this Brave New World.
26 days since I was sheltered and pampered and dictated to.

I have made this house my home, more than it ever was when first I lived here, 7 years ago.
It was a caterpillar, and now it's a butterfly, like me.
I have fallen in love with this house, and fallen in love in it.
Here I am...
hurtling toward divorce at the speed of light--
(or life, or love, or flight!)
And I am happier than I've been in years.
That life wasn't mine...
I didn't own it, it owned me.

I know I'm not the first person to go through divorce,
but it still feels new to me, and unique.
We are handling this very differently than most.
Whenever I catch myself wondering why I'm not grieving the loss of this union I remember two things:
1. I grieved plenty this summer
2. This is what I've wanted for YEARS
I am settling into this new world, but it's still new and being new it is scary.
There are so many possibilities and I love that feeling, but--
it can also be very overwhelming.

Can I believe my luck at having met B when I did?
Nope.
I keep wondering if he's real...
So far, all signs point to yes.

My new views, my mountains--


I love the way they catch the light and reflect it.



I also love the way the setting sun casts a shadow that creeps up the mountain as the light transforms them from lumps of grey rock to kaleidescopes of Life...
Happy Monday to you all!

Your wish is my command, dear Nancy!

I have been busy all week, with my sister visiting from the East Coast and taking midterms and stuff, so I offer my most sincere apologies.
Nancy Dancehall asked for details, and I will oblige!

I met this exquisite man on Friday and you read what happened next and on Sunday we spoke and yesterday I texted him a poem I wrote about him and that started a rather steamy all-afternoon text fest and then I may or may not have skipped my therapy appointment to go meet up with him...
At which point we may or may not have driven up the canyon and had steam-up-the-windows sex in the front seat of my car!
"May or may not"...
Hee...
I told him that was the best therapy session I ever had.
It particularly cured what was ailing me at that precise moment.
...which was a marked lack of his skin on mine.
Ah, what a cure!
He is an angel.
He was sent to me from the stars, or the dark side of the moon, or from somewhere deep in my own complex imagination!
He loves Bob Dylan and Yeats and to touch me--
and kiss me and tell me I'm beautiful.
Do you know how long it's been since I was adored like this?
Far, far too long...
pathetically, achingly, wrenchingly long.
His smile makes me weak, like some stupid love song.
And our rhythms are synchronicity personified.

Siiiiiiiiiiigh.......
wow, this is fun!
It is just what I needed.
When I got home last night I texted him again and we were up very late exchanging sweet and sexy texts--he wanted to come over but we agreed that it was not very respectful of my guests to invite someone over for the very loud sex I am wont to have...and it tends to last a long time with this boy.
(He's a little older than I am, but he is such a kid it's hard not to call him a boy.)
We are dying to see each other again.
So much fun.
I'm on cloud 9.
At least!

The finger prints you left on my skin fade
as the ones you left on my soul grow deeper.
You trickle through me like rain through moss,
giving life.
You charge through me like a herd of wild horses,
filling me with need.
Softly we become one,
breathlessly we fuse together.

Divorce Drama

I wrote this post last week, but I didn't want to sully the simple beauty of my sexy posts with its utter divorce drama-ness.
So...here it is:

When I dropped the kids off for their weekend with Dad the neighbor took it upon herself to inform me of a female visitor who has been spending a lot of time at his house.
Gulp.
It really made my head spin for a few minutes.
I mean...wow.
It hurt.
I wasn't going to mention it to him, but as soon as I drove away from her house he called and asked what she wanted to talk to me about.
So I told him.
And I asked him if he was dating her and he said, "You could call it that."
Cut.
Like.
A.
Knife.
So I called Shar and cried for a few minutes and then I called Becky and bitched for a few minutes.
And then I felt better.
And I said, "Well, there goes the guilt I was feeling for entertaining the idea of hooking back up with ole What's-his-name."
...who never arrived at the party anyway.
But this boy did.
And he makes longboards as a hobby and plays guitar and thinks I'm spectacular.
(that last one is just code for: has really great taste in women).
Eh.
We'll see.
If I don't see him again I don't think I'll care, but that's easy to say when he's only been gone a few minutes and my body still aches from the primal passion with which he needed me...
Thank you, Universe!
Thank you for sending me a momentary reprieve from the sadness of divorce.
Oh, and he writes...

Before he had even arrived, I had realized that I am happy for my SoonToBe and that I hope he's having a great time with whoever the skank is.
Hee....
Yes, I'm still a GIRL, why do you ask?
I just want to be clear that this connection with this man was not a revenge thing.
I guess now that we're a small, intimate group here I might as well just spill the fucking beans--
I cheated on my husband last year.
That is what got us into this mess.
That and the fact that we were never a good match.
At all.
Not to mention that I was exhausted from the effort of trying to make him accept love for 8 years,
nor the fact that he had accused me of cheating for 8 years.
I was never a girl who could cheat.
Never.
It wasn't in me.
But I guess you should never say never.
When you go without Love for so long and are told that you're a cheater...
well, whatever.
There's no excuse.
I did what I did.
And I hate having caused him so much pain.
But he now agrees that we're better off apart, and if this girl helped him to see that, then I'm extra glad he found her.
As we wrestled with this decision these past 9 months, he was never ready.
We both wanted to make it work, but we also both knew that we were never going to be ok again.

Gah.
I can't believe I admited all that.
I just feel like it's important that if you're here, supporting my happiness that you understand what led me here.
I am finally free.
And maybe I can never fully express all that was wrong in my marriage and all that we both did to try to make a round peg fit into a square hole for so many years, but I do honor the fact that we both tried.
For two people who should never have made it past the 6 month mark, we really blew it out of the park.
And I truly hope that he finds a better match in this girl, and I know without a doubt that I will find a better match myself.
I also know that I am a great wife and that I'll never settle for the wrong man again, and that I'll never be such a coward as to cheat in order to end things...
I learned so much from that experience alone!
And I learned that I am as strong as I remember being.
It's hard to make this clear without being more negative about Mr. Ex than I would like to be, but I'm sure I'll go into more detail some time.
The gist of it is that he didn't come into the marriage with tools for success and he had a different list of priorities, across the board, from me.

Oh, a side note, and a very negative one at that: when he returned the kids to me on Sunday I asked them if they had fun carving pumpkins with Dad.
They said, "Yes. And his friend was there."
My stomach dropped and I said, calmly, "Oh? What was his friend's name?"
They answered with a girl's name, although, much to my delight it hadn't stuck with them--they said one of my friend's names and added, "But not that, just something like that."
I finished the conversation and quietly excused myself to go outside and call their irresponsible, selfish father.
That was the biggest fight we've had since the split and frankly, it was mostly one sided.
I let him HAVE IT.
What the hell???
It was his first weekend with his kids and he had to have her come over???
We had even agreed previously that we would NOT introduce people we were dating to our kids until things were serious, and I said, "I don't care if you think it's serious or not at this point. We have only been separated for TWO WEEKS. That is way too soon for kids."
We had it out pretty good over the next couple of conversations and I think he finally understands that it is just WRONG to do that.
"I introduced her as my friend..."
Dumbass.
I can handle it, but the kids shouldn't have to.
Hell, he took the chick to meet his brother's family without warning them and his brother wouldn't even let her in the house!
He said, "Dude. My kids! They are still adjusting to this."
Thank god there are people in his life who aren't brain dead.
Cuz he kinda is.
:)

In happier news, I may get to see my adorable one tonight...
and I definitely get to see him tomorrow!
I am soooooooooooo excited!!

Black and Blue and glowing all over--

*Insert mischievous grin*

He traded his Harley for flying lessons...
he has some regrets about that,
but I said, "Don't be sad, beautiful boy, you traded flying over pavement for flying over air currents!"
"I never thought of it that way," he said. And then he smiled and told me again how amazed he was to have met someone
like
me.
We started in the kitchen; I know because that's where our shirts were.
We paused for a while at the couch; I know because that's where our pants were.
And then we spent HOURS and hours...mmm...
It was like someone had put a spell on us--if we were touching we had to be fucking.
I am so sore, so bruised and raw but I still couldn't stop, and neither could he.
Then we slept a while and I woke, wondering if the spell had worn off, but then he reached out, eyes closed, and with relief said, "There you are..."
And we began again...
I'm really not sure when I've had That. Much. Sex. at once.
And we were still so hungry for each other.
I made him go because I have homework and housework and shopping...
He thinks he is in love, but I just smile.

...welcome back to Vintage Bored Housewife...
Sorry for anyone who wasn't expecting such (roll it) Rrrrr rated material on a rainy Saturday morning...
But this is my life, my blog, and goddammit I'M BACK!
(for limited engagements, buy tickets now!)

I bet you think you haven't heard from me all week because I got my tv hooked up.
But that's not the case.
My dish is functioning, but my life isn't.
Ha.
Well, it's not THAT bad.
Probably more hormonal than anything, but I've had some sadness this week.
I'm exhausted.
I'm even getting tired of telling everyone how happy I am.
Because underneath all the smiles and brightly looking toward my future,
there are little splotches of grief and disbelief.
I can't bear to think about the fact that I'll never fall asleep in his arms again.
Or that I'll never have orgasms like That again.
I can't linger too long on his big empty house, with a kitchen that doesn't magically feed him all of his favorite foods anymore...
No more sitting on the back porch while he smokes.
No more trying to give him the family he never had.
But...no more feeling under appreciated, under loved and way over fucked.
And no more feeling unable to follow my heart--whether it be through creative expression or through choosing how to raise the kids.
No more choosing between his happiness or mine.
But I miss him today.
And I wonder if all my optimism is misplaced; will I really find true love?
MY version of true love, that is.
Not some lame-ass fairy tale.
Not some flash-in-the-pan.
I do still believe I will find Him.
But I'm not even ready to think about looking.
I don't want to think about dating or even having wild flings.
I want to be a nun for a while.
Or better--I want to have no temtpation, no interest.
I want to be a hermit.
I want to be alone, alone, alone.
But.
I can't do that because then I would not be able to hold on.
I feel so dislodged.
Like a ship with no anchor.
I float out to sea, and the scenery is beautiful but the sharks circle...
Ha--good thing one of my best friends is a Sharkie...
I will be ok.

We filled out the first draft of our papers yesterday, and tomorrow the kids go for their first visitation.
I suspect I have been avoiding the issue.
Trying so hard to focus on the positive that I left the negative out on the driveway in the rain...
oops.
Guess I better spend some time mourning this.

I am so tired.
But I still have so much to do.
I hope it will get less busy soon...

I don't want to jinx myself here, but...

I should have a working satellite dish television system by prime time tonight!!
I have actually started twitching from the lack of The Office and House.
I can't even let myself THINK about how many episodes of Weeds and Californication I have missed.
Although, I did just realize that I can probably watch them all online.
Dumbass.
And, hallelujah!
I am no TV junkie, you guys are well aware of that, but those are four pretty fucking spectacular shows and two of them had season premieres the day after my move so I'm more put off than I ought to be.
Besides, I am a little lonelier at nights than I used to be...

Now I have a hungry child, so I'll catch ya later.

Waking up early, just to lie there and think...

It's a weird phenomenon, and a little annoying.
But I keep being so exhausted that I fall asleep easily so that's cool.
It's just bizarre that at 6am sharp every morning I am suddenly and pleasantly wide awake.
I am NOT a morning person, in case you hadn't heard.
Maybe there's a loud truck leaving for work around that time or maybe the roosters penetrate my primal brain....
Yes, there are roosters!!!!
I live on the edge of civilization and there are farms near enough that I can actually hear roosters in the morning.
Fuckin rock that!

I am having this weird indecision about the blog.
Something doesn't feel quite right to me, in me.
I want to find my voice again, I feel like it's ready to be heard again,
but I am mute.
Probably to achieve true freedom in blogging I'll have to start another blog.
Not that he's reading, but this URL is known to the SoonToBe, and it's definitely harder to open up knowing that I could something that might be hurtful to him.
Which is not to say that I'm feeling negatively toward him--
not at all, in fact!
There is so much "I'm happy that you're happy" flowing between us that I bet most newlyweds would be jealous!!
Ok, bit of a stretch, but you get the idea.
I did have a dream about him last night.
We were living in my hometown, but the events were the same, and he told me I should go on a date and 30 seconds later my phone rang and it was someone named Mitch who claimed to have met me at a party and wanted to take me on a date on the second week of December.
...huh??
In the dream I even took note of the date and thought, "Wow! That's far off. What the hell??"
Silly.

Happiness is not the only emotion I'm experiencing, though.
I'm sad that our journey together is over.
I miss having him there to take care of me and to make all our stupid jokes with.
I mean who else can I say, "Alaska?" to and not have to explain the derivation?
("Ya know?"--> "Juneau?"--> "Alaska?"/"Anchorage?"/"Gnome?")
And I can't help but wonder if he's just pretending to be happy so that we can live with this decision, but all the evidence (including my gut feeling) refutes that.
It's just so weird to think that I'm not responsible for him anymore and vice versa.

I had some thoughts last night as I was drifting off--

I try to see myself through the lens of your memories
the blonde curls, the baby teeth
grinning sweetly from the sticky, acidic pages of that red bound album.
I am not where you hoped I would be,
but I am happy.
Your generation is not mine,
and I must stop trying to be you, because
I would not thrive in your shoes and
I do not fear being alone (yet) the way that you did...
Or was it fear of failure?
I would rather be alone than be with someone so wrong for me...
You taught me well--
most by example, only a few What Not To Dos...

Happy Saturday, kids--

I am not much of a Man, but...

at least I try.
Tonight I mowed the lawn of this new home of mine and I was very proud of how it turned out.
I need a weed whipper, but otherwise it was easy and fun.
I'm sure I'll get sick of it sometime early next summer, but that's life.
As I was grumbling over the gas I was spilling
while filling
the mower,
Oliver said cheerfully, "I guess you shouldn't have gotten divorced, then!"
He is such a little nut.
So far so good, on that front, by the way.

The reason I say I'm not much of a man is that I really don't have the man's innate sense of the right way to fix things around the house or do things like mow a lawn.
But I'm really excited at this new opportunity I have to learn them!!
I just hope I will always have someone to ask when I need to be taught.
I almost gave up on the mower...my arms are neither long nor strong enough to yank the cord into ignition.
I was swearing at that thing like it was a bowl of Jasmine's mother's cookie dough!
(that's some brutal treatment, I tell ya, but damned if the cookies aren't scared into perfection!)
Anywho.
I finally tried pulling the cord with the handle depressed.
I don't know how else to explain it, but it's what you hold down while you mow, and if you let go it turns off.
I don't know if that's how you're supposed to turn on the fucking machine or not,
because I've only mowed one lawn in my life and I didn't turn on the mower that way.
I didn't turn it on at all...He did.
Whatever.
It's cool to solve my own problems.

I also tried to drill holes in my way to hang a towel rod thingy and it worked out ok, but it was not a clean job, that's for sure.

Today I finished the last of my Replacement Shopping.
I hope.
Damn but it's been expensive to share our stuff!!
Oh well...
It's been such a smooth affair I can't really complain.
Like, for example, at least I have the money to replace stuff.
For now...
I need to plan carefully or I'll end up broke.
Wooooot.

I am giving a lot of thought to my anonymity at this point.
I hate the idea of moving again, but I'm not sure I can be as open as I need and want to without one more move.
Fuuuuuuck that.
We'll see.
I'll keep you posted...

Hope you all have fantastic, respective weekends.
I plan to!!
And next week is Fall Break, so I have NO SCHOOL ALL WEEK!!!
My kids are off Thursday and Friday, but still--
that's 3 whole days of them at school/me at not-school!!!
peace out--

So many words, built up then dissolved...

I still have no rhythm for blogging in my life, but I wanted to give you the update.
Everything with the move is still going very well, and we're both so happy about it that it's kind of funny.
My kids will be starting school today, and I'm so excited for them!
Their school is brand new and is beautiful.
They'll be in class with my dear friend J's little boy (not phD J, who moved to virgina and has no kids...but a darling, sweet, happy friend who lives very close).
The best part, for all of us, is that this school starts at 9 instead of 8 and has 5 full days of school instead of a half on Friday.
Ok, that last part's better for me than for them, but they'll live.
Hee...

They talked me into getting them a kitten.
I am excited about this, but it was just too soon.
I still feel very overwhelmed by all the changes and have some minor unpacking and some home improvement stuff yet to do, but I'm sure it'll work out ok.
Last night I called dear D and as she listened to me unwind from my day, the cat came and sat on my chest and would not leave.
Every time I would move the little dear away from my face she would come right back.
I was bloody exhausted and all I wanted was to lie comfortably on my bed and chat with one of my very best friends--who I had lost and now I get to have back!!!!
And when I finished my call and came here to check my email before sleeping, at long last, where was the precious little dear?
That's right: prowling around the keyboard causing all sorts of havoc.
The good news is that her persistence in my bedroom was the motivation I needed to re-hang my door so that now I can comfortably keep her out.
Yay for that!!
A couple of my doors were left off by the slacker-asses who painted this place a few weeks ago, but oh well...the paint looks better than it did before, so I'll deal with it.

Ok, so enough of the details!!

It is so cool to be living in a house I've lived in before!
One of the hardest parts of moving (after all the packing, etc) is finding your way around a new neighborhood, and even your own house--the mindless patterns of our lives become conscious and it's a little exhausting.
No more stepping of the shower and groggily running through all the steps of your morning routine--the location of your toothbrush requires a real, live THOUGHT and the route to your closet becomes a complex math problem.
I remember this from the last move.
This time, I am organizing my kitchen with hardly a thought--
pans went there, baking products here, and canned stuff right here!
Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.
And for those of you who have been around so long you remember my love of the views from this place, they are still here and still stunning!!!
The sun rises and sets at my doorstep.
The sky is always so filled with wonder--
even storm clouds are art, as they spread across the mountainous horizon.

Remember when I said my credit card number had been stolen?
But that I was relieved to know that the credit card company wouldn't make me pay?
Well, they called yesterday and I thought they were just asking routine questions to finalize the case but instead they started accusing me of lying and said the charges don't appear fraudulent.
REALY? EVEN THE ONES MADE IN UTAH DURING MY TRIP TO MAINE????
They claim the charges were made using my card.
How would THAT be physically possible in that case?
And the charges were made at places I don't go, in locations that aren't in my usual pattern and for amounts I would never spend.
Most of them were at gas stations for around $100 or $200, and I know gas is high, but my car tops out around $50 and I NEVER go inside a convience store to spend that kind of money--and only ever go inside on rare occasions, or on road trips and I STILL don't spend 50-100 dollars on gas station crap.
They could see that if they would bother to analyze my spending patterns.
Although, to be fair, there's not much to analyze because I never use that card.
So it's not like it was that hard for me to figure out that someone else charged an extra $2000 to my rarely-used card.
I actually ended the call by calling the guy names, crying, and hanging up.
I'm sure my divorce-related stress had as much to do with how hard I took it as anything, but I felt so fucked over.
They were basically saying they hold all the cards.
(...believe me when I say No Pun Intended)
Because the card wasn't physically stolen (and WHY DIDN'T I JUST SAY IT WAS????) they dont' have to actually investigate the crime.
Capital One No Hassle, MY ASS!
Yes, I will be calling today.
I just wish there was something more I could do.
I feel so helpless.
Maybe I'll go talk to my bank and see if they have any advice.
I would be willing to give the CC people a copy of my debit card record--since that is where I spend all my money--so they can analyze my true spending habits and see that the use of that card does not fit my pattern.
It's a "buy the occasional thing on the internet and pay for vacations" card.
It gets paid off every month, just like my husband's travel credit card.
The man actually said at one point, "I just get the feeling you're leaving something out here."
WHAT THE FUCK?????
The card was used at several locations multiple times, so I may just go to those places and ask if they have surveillance tapes I can look at.
Or something!
This fucker on the phone claimed that my signature had been used on some of the charges.
I don't buy it.
...again, "no pun intended."
It's true that I could have been wrong on one or two of the charges, but not more than that, and frankly I'd like to know which ones had supposed signatures because I doubt any of them did.
I know for a fact that I only used that card on the trip to Maine and for 2 or 3 things right after (cuz we were talking divorce and he said I shouldn't use the checking account...that only lasted like 4 days).
I was very careful when I looked at the list of transactions.
I even googled store numbers to find out the address of this or that gas station so I could be sure they were places I didn't visit and they were.
They also said it didn't look like fraud because I was the one who attempted to make the final charge--the one that tipped me off that but the "other person" stopped using it without having it declined.
How the hell should I know???
All I know is that I'm NOT crazy.
I did not max out a card that I know I was lying dormant in a stack of other non-credit cards in the far recesses of a zippered pocket in my purse!
I don't use the damn thing!
I just don't.

Sorry...just needed to vent...
and, I'll be honest--if there's anyone out there with any good advice, please share it with me.
The soon-to-be Ex called just as I was wrapping up the phone call, as I cried, and so he got to hear about it.
He is livid and told me to try talking to them about it again, but if I don't get anywhere, to just refuse to pay.
Like my credit needs THAT right now, after not working and having almost nothing in my name for 7 years!
Siiiiigh.
He said make 'em sue you.
He said let 'em try to garnish your wages if they win.
He said you don't have a job, what are they going to garnish?
Thanks, mr. gravy train. :)
I will have a job soon (ish), just for the record...
but not yet.
Gotta finish this semester.

Anyway.
I am pretty frustrated with that and hope I can talk some sense into someone there.

As for the rest of my life, it's pretty beautiful at the moment.
Even this annoying little bundle of fur makes me smile.
She's so soft and little O is madly in love with her.
My brother's family took the kids for a few hours last night while I got some errands done and when O called me to see how much longer I would be he expressed adorable concern of the kitty's loneliness.
Aaaaw....

Ok.
I'll write more soon.
So much to say, so little time....

I'm back! That was fast, huh?
I have to leave in a minute, but I just uploaded some pictures and I wanted to share them with you.
This one is the funniest thing I saw, on moving day.
Cops.
With their cruiser's keys locked inside it...
Hehehehehehee.........


And the table and chairs I put together the other night:


And the shelves I put together that night:


God bless IKEA!!

And the lovely knobs I got for my cabinets:


And the KITTY!!!!